Happy Birthday, Butterfly!

You know how you can see the sunshine shining on everything around you? You can feel it shining on yourself? And the sunshine is something you never really forget. Not even on cloudy says. Because you know it's behind the clouds. You remember what it looks and feels like. And you know it's constant. It never stays hidden.

Gosh, I have inherited so many of my mother's qualities. So much that I can feel them in me when I'm quiet and when I think of them. It's really a beautiful thing how much your eyes open with time and age. What my eyesight has become is so precious to me. And I treasure it. Thank God for it, really. I see my mom. How deep and strong she loves; has loved. How it hurts sometimes.

Especially with her children.

I saw the way she shined on my brother and sister. I felt the way her warm light blanketed me. Somehow I took on her love she had for both my siblings. And it is deep and oh so strong. It transferred right into me. Starting at 6 years old. I loved them right away and it's only grown since then. And it's also changed.

My little love, that is not so little anymore (27 to be exact) had a birthday last week. And alls I could think about was how much things have changed. How she has changed, how my love for her has changed, how OUR love has changed.

She's a women now. As she started to reach adulthood, it killed me. I held on to that little girl that my heart melted over; again and again and again. I didn't want to except her growth. Nostalgia consumed me. I wanted to stop time. I wanted to go back. I wanted to love her again in her early years. I wanted to go back as me now, and experience her again. Which is so highly unrealistic.

I think maybe I didn't know how to love the adult Janine. I didn't know how to be her big sister when SHE was getting big. But the most beautiful thing happened. My eyes for her changed and the love I have for her transformed into something new.

I started to see her as a women. Not as a little girl. I started to see her absolute beauty! Who she was becoming. And I started to adore the adult Janine. Wanting to be near her. Spending time with this new person. This chaser after dreams, this graduate, this nurse, this wife and now this mother. This daughter, this granddaughter, this niece, this cousin, this co-worker, this friend....this sister. This hard worker. This goal setter. This sensitive lover. This trier of things new. This trier of keeping it all together. This caregiver of family members and patients. This determined woman. This persevering woman. This gentle woman. This family oriented woman. This home loving woman. This grown up sister that loves me back.

And so my love changed. To more solid than squishy. To more mature. To more selfless. Now that we are both adults, there have been times in our relationship where I saw some internal ugliness in myself. So instead of trying to protect her from the world, I started to fight to protect her from my "self". Which can come from offense or misunderstanding or insecurity or differences.

Our adult relationship has taught me a lot about a new love. A love that turns it's back on selfishness and feeling like you have a right and assuming and taking things personal. A love that just wants to love and be close to her. A love that is thankful all the time for the growth. A love that won't let anything get in the way.

So on her 27th birthday, I want this to be in honor of HER! The adult her. The transformed her. To a transformed love! And a transformed US!

To my butterfly! The life that changed mine 27 years ago! The life that continues to change mine year after year! The life that I've taught. The life that teaches me. The life that I love so much! And the life that loves me!

Happy birthday beautiful sister! May the sun shine bright on you always! And may you shine bright wherever you are!
-M 

Tuesdays at Ten: Someone I admire is...

Someone I admire is…my husband. And I can break down crying with even the thought. I know what it’s like to have a wonderful best friend that knows your ugly and loves you crazy.  One that can somehow always see your beauty. A love where, if I didn’t have her, I know a part of my soul would die. You can only hope that the man you marry would end up being your best friend, too. That word has been thrown around like it wasn’t precious and rolled off my tongue empty. I know deep. And because I know my depths so well, I also know my shallow. Or maybe it took finding the real thing to recognize what was not.

My husband is so much my lover, but he is also so, so much my best friend. As time goes on I can see it and feel it more and more. I know I’m not easy and I vowed to let all my walls down with him. To not hide and to be vulnerable. So I did and it’s hard. It’s a costly risk. Because you don’t really know for sure how it’s going to go. I guess honoring promises is important to both of us because in return, I get to experience his promise. To love me. And he chooses it every day. The beauty is the natural way it’s like a best friend. A deep, deep love. That’s able to see the raw me, the good and the bad and breathe life into me. Wrap me up and hold me. Encourage me. Support me. Guys on my worst days, because he chooses love, he loves the ugly right out of me. It’s not a romantic love. It’s a, I’m your best friend love. Best friends are always light. They carry an unconditional love for you.

I admire the man that he is. The friend that he is.  It’s a goodness that has the power to melt and soften. I admire the commitment and endurance. The choice. The way he is intentional. The way he uses how well he knows me to love me perfectly.

I admire him for wanting to be more like Jesus. For striving for it. For not giving up on it. For wanting to be a better man. For turning to the cross and the blood. I admire his humility, I’ve seen the pain that comes with it. I’ve seen what no one else sees. The hurt, the wounds, the pride; that he fights everyday so that he can produce holy fruit for others. I’ve seen him lay himself down in grief and without even knowing, gaining more and more of the love that he desires. I see before my very eyes every day.

I admire the man that will head our family. I can’t wait to tell our kids about the way he dies for us. And they’ll see how Jesus is his example. And I admire how he, our head, will be their example.

Oh, Baltimore. Civil War. Hell. And The Cross.

Part One. 

I write this as a part of a whole. I am a small piece of the entire human race. I belong to the ocean, as just a particle. I write this as guilty in my thoughts and actions, but saved and redeemed by the blood of Christ. Who, can I just say, paid the price for ALL of us. He hung on a cross and took on the punishment for the sins of ALL. Not just some of us…He made a way for ALL. While we were still in our sin…He loved us. He stood in-between Heaven and Earth as an advocate and pleaded with the Judge. His life was taken instead AND THEN resurrected so that we could HAVE LIFE. Gentiles and Jews. Men and Woman. SINNERS. ALL.

When Jesus walked the earth, the Pharisees and Sadducees could not believe He was the Christ because He was not following the written law. Right off the bat, according to the “law” Mary, Jesus’ mother was to be stoned. Before the angel even comes to Joseph to tell him what’s going on, Joseph pardons Mary and he is called “just”. The beginning of Jesus: A NEW JUSTICE SYSTEM. There were many times people were to be stoned; once example is a prostitute. According to the law, she is to be stoned to death. Jesus tells the men ‘those of you WITHOUT SIN, go head and throw the first stone.” THEN Jesus says “Woman, WHERE ARE YOUR ACCUSERS?” And he continued by telling her that HE…THE CHRIST…GOD IN THE FORM OF MAN…DOES NOT CONDEMN HER. He also says “sin no more”. GRACE. She ENCOUNTERED HIM and HIS LOVE. And He gently corrects her.

There was also a time that Jesus healed a blind man. According to the law, if you’re blind you’re cursed. So they would spit on him and at him. HERE COMES JESUS. Who spits on his hands and rubs it into the man’s eyes and HEALS him!!! Oh God, can you even take that?

In Acts, a crippled man (from birth) begging for money sits at the gate of the temple. Peter tells him “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have, I give you. Stand up and walk in the name of Jesus.” And he stands up and walks! The part that gets me here is “what I do have, I give you”. Which is God’s original will for the human race; “freely you have received, freely you shall give”. We draw from the pure Holy Spirit…we turn to God and we draw from His Holy Love and we give that to others. We give to the ones that desperately NEED it.

I’d like to end part one with highlighting that Jesus brings a whole new Justice that is hard for us humans. I’d like to add that He says OUR righteousness is as filthy rags (mine included!!). True Justice cannot be enforced without a heart of wholeness and true humility. A heart that has had its holes filled by God’s light. A heart that is healed. A heart that is secure in itself. Otherwise, broken hearts point the finger with human righteousness behind it. If WE (me too!!) don’t have a heart BURNING for the salvation of others, I have to question the fruit (actions and words) coming out of that heart. If we don’t see others as broken in their worst state and YEARNING for them to be saved from oppression and mindsets, what’s the state of our own hearts? If we pull out our finger every chance we get to point it at another, instead of falling on our knees crying out as if a woman in child birth…yearning for the sons of God to come forth…yearning for GOD to intervene with His Holy LOVE to rescue our human race…we have to check our whys.

Part 2

It says that we wrestle not with flesh and blood but with principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. This is where I want to open up the Baltimore situation. To be completely honest with you, I don’t care who is right or wrong. At all. I see a bigger picture here. Can I tell you that God’s will is for Heaven to come to Earth. That’s why he made Adam and put him HERE. Unfortunately the human race fell and is now broken. But God’s will never changed.

He tells us to pray like this: “Our Father who is in Heaven, holy is your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME, YOUR WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but DELIVER US FROM EVIL.”

There’s so much in that one, small prayer.

When I step back and look at Baltimore and other recent events that have triggered aggressive division, I see a SNAKE. I see the serpent slithering into human brokenness and intensifying it. I see him putting salt on old wounds and creating new ones. I see hurt multiplying hurt.  I see him provoking others. I see him causing CIVIL WAR. This isn’t THE Civil War, but come on guys: THIS IS CIVIL WAR. Humans…civilians…turning against other humans and civilians. And you know God’s will is for us ALL to turn to GOD!! For Life and Healing and Safety and Restoration. And LINK ARMS TIGHTLY TO FORM OUR OWN ARMY AGAINST THE DEVIL. AGAINST DARKNESS. AND RISE UP IN LOVE AND BOLDNESS through the Holy Spirit FOR THE SALVATION OF SOULS.

“Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. AND THEY HAVE CONQUERED HIM BY THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB AND THE WORD OF THEIR TESTIMONY, for they loved not their lives even unto death. Therefore rejoice O heavens and you who dwell in them. But woe to you O earth and sea, for the devil has come down to you in great wrath, because he knows that time is short.”

So the snake has gotten in HE KNOWS OUR HOLES. He knows where we aren’t Holy people. And when he gets in those holes, he gets in our hearts and in our mind and he twists and turns us and he causes this chaos. Its hell you guys. THIS is what hell looks like. Life apart from God. Life ruled by darkness. We turn against each other because we don’t know that we can turn to God and HE is enough. Enough to fill us up and heal us and restore us…enough to overflow us and then we POUR OUT the same thing that we received. JESUS’ name MEANS SALVATION. It literally means JEHOVAH SAVES. There is power in the name of JESUS!! So why do you multiply darkness? When there IS another WAY!!

I see so many fingers. Pointing in all kinds of directions. And notice I haven’t addressed a side. We are ALL broken. Come on people. We’re all broken. Some of us more than others. It’s satan that turns us against each other. HE IS THE ACCUSER!! JESUS is the advocate!!

God can we just fall on our knees with hurting hearts for the restoration of the human race. Can we believe there is Hope if WE turn to God. Instead of pointing fingers and slandering each other. Can we point to God and say “It’s YOU that can save us from THIS!” It’s YOU! Bring Heaven to Earth. God save us from this Hell! Show us Holy Love! Help us to pray for ALL humans. Whatever color they are. White or black. Whatever their position is. Because we all bleed the same blood. We all have access to HIS blood. Help us to see through your eyes! Help us lay down our filthy, filthy righteousness. Show us your Justice. Show us Jesus hanging on the cross. Dead. For all of us. Help us all to gather at bottom. On our knees. And resurrect us into people united. Set us on FIRE with YOUR HOLY LOVE!!! God, come!! With everything in me! COME!! And save Baltimore. Save us from Civil War. Save us from darkness. Save those in the war. And save us on the outside who have our fingers out with another weapon: our tongues. Help us use our tongues to pray instead.

Let YOUR KINGDOM COME! On earth, as it is in Heaven!

On my knees in deep grief.

Will you join me…

-this Luna’s heart

Meet me here.

Journal entry.

Can I meet you here? At the end of myself. In the midst of this battle. The condemning and the shame. And the work. So hard on myself. The striving to get it right. To please You. Can I meet You here-where I don't want to go on like this. Looking at me, like this. At You, like this. You really didn't get angry at them for their fruit in the end-but mostly for not believing You. Not believing You'd go with them. Not believing in the victory. Did they want You? Did they not want to go up where the glory was? To see You? I don't understand. They couldn't change their own perspective- so how could it have gone differently? Was it their focus? Their hearts' desires? God, I don't want to go back to Egypt where I'll be without You. I don't ever want You to leave me- You're my life source. Without You I am nothing- life is nothing. I don't want to lose focus or lose You. I don't want unbelief. Doubt. I don't know how to fully step over. Complete belief. I know the other is killing me. It's confusion and torment. Tossed by waves. Would You meet me here where I come uncovered. Scared. Filthy. Confused. Ashamed. Weak. Tired. Striving. Prideful. Fearful. Places of unbelief and misunderstanding. Anger. Judge-mental. Selfish. Unworthy of You, it seems. I don't understand Your love-would You please meet me here? I don't want it to be my works. Manipulation is to work with our own hands. Control. Please know, underneath my broken, corrupt heart- I want it all to be Your Holy Spirit working in me. And through me. Not my own mind- but Yours. And I know I need Your Spirit for that. Would You meet me here and reveal Your truth to me. As I bring myself as an offering at Your feet. Where I need Your hand to breakthrough my chest and tenderly hold my heart. Meet me where I feel like You don't want me. Because I see my sin and motives and man pleasing spirit. And I know You see it too! Acts, decisions, words that come out of me. And so I don't believe. That YOU love ME. Please meet me here where I exhale all these things. I need to know Your love- really know it. Or my words are empty. Confused hope for someone else. Meet me here where I confess that I need Your love so badly. To wash over me. Here, where I want to believe, that is what You want. That You're not fed up or sick of me. But that You're dying to love me. You're dying to meet me here. Where I bring my filthy rags. And that You love me right where I'm at. Not for what I do. But that I'm empowered by Your love to do Your will and produce Your fruit. I need to know that You love this heart. But despise the sin. The sin that I can separate myself from. That, I don't have to consider it me. That it's the sin You don't love- so we don't have to be afraid to let it be exposed. We don't have to protect it. Meet me here where I lay at Your feet. And reveal to me the cross and the blood that makes me white as snow. Reveal to me what it meant that Jesus already took the punishment for the filthy sin that I despise. The sin that keeps me from drawing near to You. Help me to come to the cross. Where I can be washed. Emptied. And set on fire for You. Burning with  your Holy Love. The love that drove Jesus to Calvary and the love that made Him a willing lamb. Knowing and believing in the resurrection. In the Promise Land. Believing that You, go with Him- not to be afraid to die. To be a sacrifice. God, I'm afraid to sacrifice it all. Afraid to die- to let my selfishness and flesh go. Afraid to give up trying to control out of fear. Not trusting an believing that You won't forsake me. That trusting is much better than what I'm holding onto to. Would You loosen my fingers. This often tight grip. Nudge me into battle. It is Your love that makes me like Brave, David. Not afraid of the enemy and the armies that wanted to destroy him and now me. Your love drives me into the fight, confident of the win. Your love tells me that each time we go together there is new deliverance. There are so many areas where "ites" occupy my land. And I just need a spy to tell me that we are well able to overcome because You go with us. I'm tired of feeling like a grasshopper, because I think it has to be off my own strength. What I really don't believe is that You still love me. Sometimes I'm afraid to go because I'm afraid You left me. Please meet me here where my hands are up and my eyes are closed tight and I'm crying out. Willing for You to expose all idols. Keep me here. Don't let me run thinking You'll abandon me. How can I ever be pleasing if I don't come. Raw. And let You love this broken heart. End.

You know, I'm not so sure David was always speaking naturally when he wrote his psalms.

TLH

Prayer, precious women, and the IF Gathering

I don't think one can really be fully prepared for something God wants to do. And it certainly doesn't have to be "work". I just really want us to lift this event up to God for this very reason; we can't hold it up. There's precious lives saying "yes" to the IF Gathering. To our IF Gathering. God, I feel like precious is an understatement. And so my heart is bursting at the seems in a cry out to God, "Help us! Guide us! Speak to us! Move! Heal! Restore! Pour out! Give us the strength! BE this! We need you." Because there's precious woman saying yes to gather on Your behalf!

I'm longing for this to be something, LORD. Not for any other reason than this;  precious woman are saying yes and we can all use a touch from You. We can all use a place to go where we can empty ourselves and then get filled back up. Where other woman wrap around us. A safe place where we can fight the good fight, together. The fight to take masks off and let our walls come down. To let You in just a little more. To let others in, just a little. God, I'm dying for unity within your body. Between women. Because you see how hard it is down here. To be our raw selves. To not compare and compete. You see us wanting significance and acceptance. Holding our brokenness in. Covering it. Protecting the places where we feel we finally have it together. You see us loathing our insecurities and believing the lies of inadequacy. Sometimes we struggle joining hands because our fists our up. Not always ready to fight. But mostly ready to protect ourselves from another blow. We become accustomed to defense. Some of us so fed up we started to play offense.

And so, we just. need. You. To remind us how precious we are. Nothing like we see ourselves or each other. But how YOU see us. We need a renewing. A refreshing. To feel YOUR love. To be pierced with YOUR Truth. We need to see You. We need to know You. This year, the IF focus is Faith. And God, you know how much we need it. How desperate we are for You to show us who You are and who WE are and actually BELIEVE it. And THAT be what we protect. So that we can break out of the oppression women sometimes lay weighty, under. Like we're hatching out of an egg. New life. Cracks of Light. A type of FREEDOM. To be everything YOU made us to be. So we can break out and Love the world with Your agape Love. So we can look a little more like you. And not like what we're trying to make ourselves into, because the earth was without form and VOID. We were meant to be formed and our voids were meant to be filled. Just not by what we sometimes think. We were meant to be formed by YOU and our voids were meant to filled by YOU. So, God....LET THERE BE LIGHT!

Sisters, join me in praying for our upcoming IF Gathering.
LORD, bless my precious, precious sisters.

I cry out...
This Luna's Heart

A letter to my husband on his 30th birthday

Sometimes I ache for the years I didn’t have you. But, every
day I am thankful for those days and how they shaped you into who you are now.
I feel like I get the best of you. I get what all those years made you into.
All the hurt. All the joy. All the trials. All the great times. All the
sadness. All the love you felt. All the things you held onto. All... the things
you let go of. All the falls. All the victories. All the growth. All the
prayers your mom prayed. All the cries you made to God. All the shaping and molding.
The very hand of God. The way He watched you as a boy, longing for you. The way
he drew you and rescued you. The way He loved you through it all. Reaching His
arm out to you. You desperately reaching yours to His. The need. The want. The
times you felt like you couldn’t go on. The times like you felt like you didn’t
know how. You’re so beautiful. Your smile. Your laugh. Your sense of
humor. Your heart. The way you long for
goodness. For Light. For Love. For Grace. Your humility. The way you’re not
afraid to admit when you’re wrong. The way you’re not afraid to lay your pride
on the table. The way you’re determined to defeat sin. You’re willingness. Your
effort. The way you just keep going. The way you keep reaching. I adore your heart for
family and friends. For connection. And truth. And intimacy. The way your
honest. Bridled at times for the sake of love. I love the way you wear music.
It looks so good on you. Your passion for it. To work on it. To make it. To
hear it. To feel it. I love your whit. I love how smart you are. How you know
how to fix a car and sew a button. How you have tool box and a sewing kit.
The way you like to figure things out. And you do.
I love your 30 old hands. Your 30 year old face. Your 30 year old heart. Your 30
year old lips. I love how much God wants to love you, still. At 30 years old
and forever after that. I love how He wants you to be honored and respected and
uplifted. How He wants to keep shaping you and growing you. And how now, I can
be a part of that. I can watch you in His hands. I can be in His hands with you. BE parts of His body with you.
Becoming one with this beautiful life. This beautiful man. It’s an honor to
watch this. To be a part of this. To love you. To honor you. To die for you
every day. I’ve loved you for a thousand years. I love you right now at 30.
And I’ll love you for a thousand more!

I’m so thankful for your life. It has completely changed
mine.

The other half of you.

-M

Five Minute Friday: Fill

I've been missing Five Minute Friday so much. I hate to use the excuse that I've been "too" busy. I have been busy, but not too busy. My mom just gently chastised me to not stop doing what I love for any reason. Ironically, doing what I love fills me up. And so doing what I love helps me to pour out. In my recent transition I feel myself trying to adjust on every side. Some sides are easier than others. Ultimately it's one of the most beautiful transitions of my life. But, it's still an adjustment. I'm losing a lot of my independence and the false safety that comes with it, but I am gaining a lifetime with the love of my life. It's a bittersweet death that I choose. I am learning as I keep taking steps forward. I am confident that this is exactly where God has me and it is going to be a crazy beautiful adventure. I feel thankful. Though I am leaving parts of me behind, my mom reminded me to fan the fire of my loves and passions that are inside me. Here's to coming back to Five Minute Fridays and staying true to writing exercises that fill me up and keep me grounded and alive. Thanks to my mom for breathing life in me.

8/8/14 My mom's first Five Minute Friday. I love her heart.

There are a lot of things that I'd love to be filled with. I want to be filled with love, empathy, kindness, mercy, grace, sympathy, adventure, goodness, peace, servitude. I want to be filled with everything good in this world until I feel I could BURST! Most importantly I would love to be able to fill everyone on this earth with these feelings and emotions. I want my glass filled, not 1/2 full-all the way to the brim, spilling over into others' glasses. End. 

8/8/14 My Five Minute Friday

Oh how I love to be full. How I love when others are full. I long for it deeply. And I ache. These x-ray eyes that see dark emptiness. This sensitivity that feels my own. Our earths without form and void. And we all just want to be filled up. One of the things I love most about God is that His filling up produces this pure pouring out. We can be filled up by a lot of things. We take drinks-the emptiness is too much to bear. But there's this Light. Right after it says the earth was without form and void, it says "LET THERE BE LIGHT". End.