July 2, 2013
As the plane rushed down the runway, I looked up from my book and out the window. If I were an animal it would've been like lifting my head out of the dirt/ground. Reality and I stared at each other. I looked it right in the face and I told myself not to look away. To feel it. Tears gathered and began to drip. I felt like a little girl crying inside. Like someone was taking something she loved away from her. Or like she lost her family and longingly yearned for them- to be with them. Near them. And so she cries from somewhere deep, deep down. The plane accelerates faster and faster. Velocity outside the window. As fast as we physically go is as fast as memories run through my heart and mind. Oh, June 2013. Oh, Ohio. My home. My beginning.
And as I get older, I embrace more. People. Moments. Connections. I never come home the same. I don't ever want to. I'll always be the same. I'll always be Michelle Louise Bellino. So will grapes always be the same grapes that the wine started with. But time matures grapes. I want Ohio to drink me. Every time growing more potent. Getting more drunk. On the fruit that I bear. "Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Love never faileth:" Those words burn in me. So much more than words. So much more than something that sounds nice. I want them!
I'm not afraid to declare how IMperfect I really am. I confess! I'm human. Man. Adam. Or Eve. But I believe in Christ! I believe, most days, in His power. I believe when He says "My strength is made perfect in your weakness." I believe Him when He says "My GRACE is sufficient FOR you." It allows me to relax a little. To not be so hard on myself. It gives me comfort and peace to be able to sit at His feet. Submitted to Him. My Teacher. "Lord, I want to be good wine!" "Lord! I want to bear YOUR fruit! I want to BE like YOU. Teach me, Lord."
My heart doesn't like to go. But it's certain that I learn and grow while I'm gone. And I'm a gypsy at heart. I need wonder and experience. To meditate and reflect. Behold. Explore. My journey.
And when I'm home I get to genuinely appreciate and embrace. I get to soak it all up. The places. The people. I want more of it. But not in quantity. I want quality. I want more substance and depth. I want to open my eyes to where. I want to open my heart-wide open- to who. I want to inhale the where. And I want the who to breathe themselves out on me. "I want to know you!! Really know you! And I want to open up to you in return." I hate walls. But I understand them. I hate masks, but I'be worn them. Scared. Tight. Social anxiety. The kind that sits right on your chest. Heavy.
I'm fight to win though. To beat all of that. To meet others in the middle. Walls down. Masks off. "Who are you? What's underneath?" And I apprehensively allow layers to come off of me. To show them me. I'm humbled. Over and over. I uncover my heart and I fall in love with humility. Wanting it so much more than pride.
When I lay at His feet in my weakness, with walls and masks, I'm ashamed. I don't want to look up. I feel sorry. And then I feel His finger gently under my chin. I'm afraid to look up because He's probably disappointed. I do though; I follow the lead of His finger lifting my head. When I lock eyes with Him, I see me. I see who I am behind the walls and under the mask. I see her through see of Love. And I feel Love. My heart is so warm and soft. I don't want those walls and masks. They fall down. And off. He Loves me. And I hunger for others. To Love them behind their masks and their walls. I hunger to give more of me. Every time I go home I'm shown where I'm at in the process.
I really want to slow down. I loathe hurry. And worry. I want Him. And others. I want Love. The people, the places, the moments-what I've gained-what I've been given- they tip my heart out. But it's kind of this good pain. Sadness mixed with thankfulness. Thankful that I have something to miss. Something that's hard to leave. And thankful that I have somewhere really good to go...
As the plane rushed down the runway, I looked up from my book and out the window. If I were an animal it would've been like lifting my head out of the dirt/ground. Reality and I stared at each other. I looked it right in the face and I told myself not to look away. To feel it. Tears gathered and began to drip. I felt like a little girl crying inside. Like someone was taking something she loved away from her. Or like she lost her family and longingly yearned for them- to be with them. Near them. And so she cries from somewhere deep, deep down. The plane accelerates faster and faster. Velocity outside the window. As fast as we physically go is as fast as memories run through my heart and mind. Oh, June 2013. Oh, Ohio. My home. My beginning.
And as I get older, I embrace more. People. Moments. Connections. I never come home the same. I don't ever want to. I'll always be the same. I'll always be Michelle Louise Bellino. So will grapes always be the same grapes that the wine started with. But time matures grapes. I want Ohio to drink me. Every time growing more potent. Getting more drunk. On the fruit that I bear. "Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Love never faileth:" Those words burn in me. So much more than words. So much more than something that sounds nice. I want them!
I'm not afraid to declare how IMperfect I really am. I confess! I'm human. Man. Adam. Or Eve. But I believe in Christ! I believe, most days, in His power. I believe when He says "My strength is made perfect in your weakness." I believe Him when He says "My GRACE is sufficient FOR you." It allows me to relax a little. To not be so hard on myself. It gives me comfort and peace to be able to sit at His feet. Submitted to Him. My Teacher. "Lord, I want to be good wine!" "Lord! I want to bear YOUR fruit! I want to BE like YOU. Teach me, Lord."
My heart doesn't like to go. But it's certain that I learn and grow while I'm gone. And I'm a gypsy at heart. I need wonder and experience. To meditate and reflect. Behold. Explore. My journey.
And when I'm home I get to genuinely appreciate and embrace. I get to soak it all up. The places. The people. I want more of it. But not in quantity. I want quality. I want more substance and depth. I want to open my eyes to where. I want to open my heart-wide open- to who. I want to inhale the where. And I want the who to breathe themselves out on me. "I want to know you!! Really know you! And I want to open up to you in return." I hate walls. But I understand them. I hate masks, but I'be worn them. Scared. Tight. Social anxiety. The kind that sits right on your chest. Heavy.
I'm fight to win though. To beat all of that. To meet others in the middle. Walls down. Masks off. "Who are you? What's underneath?" And I apprehensively allow layers to come off of me. To show them me. I'm humbled. Over and over. I uncover my heart and I fall in love with humility. Wanting it so much more than pride.
When I lay at His feet in my weakness, with walls and masks, I'm ashamed. I don't want to look up. I feel sorry. And then I feel His finger gently under my chin. I'm afraid to look up because He's probably disappointed. I do though; I follow the lead of His finger lifting my head. When I lock eyes with Him, I see me. I see who I am behind the walls and under the mask. I see her through see of Love. And I feel Love. My heart is so warm and soft. I don't want those walls and masks. They fall down. And off. He Loves me. And I hunger for others. To Love them behind their masks and their walls. I hunger to give more of me. Every time I go home I'm shown where I'm at in the process.
I really want to slow down. I loathe hurry. And worry. I want Him. And others. I want Love. The people, the places, the moments-what I've gained-what I've been given- they tip my heart out. But it's kind of this good pain. Sadness mixed with thankfulness. Thankful that I have something to miss. Something that's hard to leave. And thankful that I have somewhere really good to go...
