I dreamed of January 26th. I dreamed of Janine Rose.

I'm trying to find the words to express every thing that lives inside me for you. Sometimes, I wish you could come into my heart and know that God made me with you in it. Mom tells me she wishes I could do the same with her. So I'd know the depths of her Love for me. We're so meant to be. Soul mates. Mom, Dad, Me, you and Sam. He created us to fit together in this perfect way. I wish I could travel back in time and experience you again and again. I'd take everything with it. I'd live all my hard ships again just to live all those years once again. When I was little, Mom and I used to lay on the bed and talk about you like you existed. At this time, the doctors told Mom I would be her only child and she wouldn't be able to get pregnant again. But we'd dream about you anyway. Mom was probably heartbroken and wondered if it was true. But you were already mine. I deeply yearned for you. My little 4 year old heart already loved you and couldn't wait for you to be born and be MY little sister. I'd beg Mom for you. And when you finally came, I fell in Love for the very first time. 6 years old, my heart knew benevolence. To deeply Love and care for something so much you can't even take it. I wanted to hold you and kiss and smell you ALL day. I was SO proud. I can't even verbalize how precious you are to me. How precious you've always been. Like this treasure. This jewel. That is so, so priceless. Made just for me. MY little sister. I wish I could give you more. I'd give you everything. I wish I could go back and give you even more from the moment you were born until now. I hate that I'm so far away from you. But I feel you like your here. Please feel me tomorrow like I'm there. On one of the best days that EVER happened to me. Your life is a planet in my universe. You orbit in my solar system. My sun shines on you. Look up at night at the stars and know how much of a big deal you are to me. Tomorrow might be just another birthday to you, but it marks an anniversary of a GREAT gift given to me. That I can't be thankful enough for.

Split my chest open and look inside...you'll see yourself. Because you are what my heart looks like. I bet if you went back and looked in it the day I was born, you'd see yourself even then. I was born with you in me. And you will be in me for eternity!

Here's to you Janine Rose! My Love!

Ladies and gentleman...THIS is what my heart looks like.
MLB

Underneath.

A recent journal entry:

Heartbreak warfare. Kinda.

I say "kinda" because even though on the surface it hurts and my emotions are slightly raging...

Underneath, I feel ok.

Underneath, You are my Hope.

Underneath, I'm excited about your promises. Your plans for me. My future in You.

Underneath, I believe in more...better. I believe that what You have for me won't even compare to all of this.

Underneath, I look forward to Your blessings! Your mind and heart. I look forward to freedom.

Underneath, I'm thankful for You. Thankful for Your Love toward me. Your affections. Your Grace!!

I'm thankful for Your Son, even though I don't fully understand what He did and what it meant. My mind can't wrap around it.

I'm thankful that You give me what I need.

I'm thankful for access to Your Holy Spirit.

And thankful that You have begun to open up Truth to me.

I'm thankful that You're making me even when I doubt. Even when I can't see. Even when I'm distracted. You're there. You're there when I come back.

Underneath all of this, I really Love You. I really long for You. I long to have this pile lifted off of my heart and be wrapped up in each other.

I feel it. I know it's there. I know that it exists!

Underneath, I feel it. Like this magnetic pull, deep within me. I feel you drawing me and I feel my depths drawing You.  I feel it in my breath when I sit still long enough. Us. Hope. Living Hope.

Underneath, nothing else matters. No situation. No accusation. No worry.

The distractions are loud. They drown us out.

Nothing else matters underneath. But everything matters on top.

It's so chaotic up there. So confusing. So painful. So consuming.

I have to fight harder for what's underneath. For Us. For that magnetic pull.

The place where You are all that matters.

Because You alone are good! You hold everything that is truly beautiful. You are Peace and Joy. Raw. You are Mercy and Forgiveness. You are Grace. You are Heaven. Pure and Perfect. You are not darkness. Hurt. Unforgiveness. Unrighteousness. Insecurity. Sickness. Not You.

You open the door. You call us Home. You long for us.

There's no carnality or flesh mixed in. You only produce one kind of fruit.

Underneath, I long to be humble and focused and selfless, like Yeshua. It wasn't about Him. Even though it was all about Him. The Father's will was His concern. He had no rights. No ego. He was an enemy to Your enemy. To evil. To what stands in between You and Your people. Not to take mere people down. But to take down principalities...kingdoms. To set people FREE. Not to prove that he was the Messiah or that He was right. He came as Light.

I want to know more about this Father. I want it to burn in me! I want to be an enemy to Your enemy. Not a friend! I want to give up my rights! Hands up before You...I want to give up my rights. I want to exhale my offenses. I want to release my unforgiveness. Things I hold onto because I've been hurt and mistreated. I want a softer heart. More gentle. But not foolish.

Underneath, I don't want to compromise.