Guilt, wounds and redemption.

This is going to be lengthy and rather heavy. 

This has been something that has been making an impression inside me for awhile now. But is increasing as time keeps crawling in my life. It's something Jesus is trying to change in me and I believe it's something He wants us all to think about. For the sake of exposing The Prosecutor and shedding light on Himself as the Defense Attorney.

I write this from both sides of the line. So please understand that I'm not writing it from one side pointing at the other.

Wounded by The Prosecutor:
We've all been misinterpreted and misunderstood. In my case I've let those two things stick to me. So much that I draw back from God and draw back from grabbing my life and running with it...as an attempt to avoid certain things. Or should I say, certain blows. Which is horrible, I know. But I'm REALLY working on it. It's something I have to let go of, because it really gives man control over me...in a way that I walk on eggshells...fearing the next blow. I'm afraid to look ahead because I'm scared it's going to look like I don't care or that I'm "selfish". But let me tell you from experience...it is worth the risk. Because walking on eggshells is suffocating and really oppresses depths. I fear the pain of the blow. One of my hearts deepest longings is to not be selfish. And to care with everything in me. So when an attack comes to those areas, it hurts so bad. Agonizing actually. BUT that comes from the depths of caring too much in the wrong way.

A liberating reality:
The reality is (and a reality I am loving facing in this season): I'm not perfect. I'm gonna slip up. I'm gonna fall. I'm going to make wrong decisions. I'm going to react and act imperfectly. These expectations ARE CHAINS! Not just expectations from other people, but expectations I/we put on myself/ourselves. I don't give myself a break. I'm not easy on my self at all. And it's not right. It's not right for us to be hard on ourselves.

The ONLY expectation any of us needs to "care" about is God's.

Be easy:
A lot of times we fail to have true empathy on ourselves (yes, ourselves) and other people. We don't stop, take a step back and glance at EVERYTHING. The majority of the time, we (ourselves) or the people we give a blow to, are already down. And we do NOTHING for us/them. (FOR us/them.) We are nothing but a bully. I'm gonna be real...it has happened to me, AND I've done it. To myself and others. It's horrible and it's something we should all work on. If you're reading this and instantly stepping on the side of the victim, I ask you to widen your eyesight. And look, and see if you might have crossed the line too. We point the finger SO much. (At each other AND at ourselves.) And I'm here to tell you, that is an accusing spirit. And the accuser is Satan. Before you get offended, hear me on this: I'm writing this for the sake of freedom. To expose him, not you! Not to point the finger at you, it's to point the finger at him. Am I writing this to any one specifically? NO. But if it is speaking to you, then unconsciously, I am. We need to set others AND ourselves free from this. We don't just bully others. We bully ourselves too.

Let me paint this picture for you....
The Courtroom:
Let's think of a courtroom. There are 4 VERY important people ALWAYS present. (1)The Judge. (2)The Persecutor. (3)The Defense Attorney. (4)And the person on trial (the defendant). The Judge is THE ONLY one that has the power to sentence the one on trial. He has the power. He knows "the law" and sits through the trial and listens... balancing what is brought before Him on one side and the law on the other. In our case...our Judge IS the law. The living spiritual law. He is our Creator and our God. He holds EVERYTHING in His hands. He sees everything and He knows everything. He is a Father that loves us. (In that case He also chastises His children. But ONLY because HE LOVES US.)

We also have the Persecutor(the accuser) and the Defense Attorney(the intercessor). It's safe to say that, The Persecutor is Satan and the Defense Attorney is Jesus. The Persecutor brings accusations against The Defendant with the intention of The Defendant getting some form of "punishment".  Mainly, putting them behind bars. The Persecutor's intention is for the defendant to pay for what they did. A Persecutor and a Complainant are the same. The definition of a Complainant is this:
"A prosecutor; one who prosecutes by complaint, or commences a legal process against an offender for the recovery of a right or penalty." That is the exact opposite of forgiveness. If you think about forgiveness financially, you are not "forgiven" after you have paid off all your money. You are forgiven WHILE YOU ARE STILL IN DEBT. You still owe money, and forgiveness wipes it away. Which brings us to number (3) The Defense Attorney. The one who is in the courtroom to plead for us before the Judge. The one that stands between the Judge and us crying out for our forgiveness...FOR OUR LIFE. "Please have mercy on their soul, Father!" NOT SELFISH AT ALL. It's not about Him at all. It's ALL about the defendant. The Persecutor is focused on the wrong that has been done. "Look what they did!" "Throw them in jail!" That's probably not what we say, but we might as well. One of the words in the definition of Accuser or Persecutor is SLANDER. It's "wagging the tongue". It's anything we say about ourselves and others to slander us/them. To tear them down. It could be mild. It could be extremely harsh. When it comes to others, it could be to their face or behind their back. Either way, it's slander. And the only thing that comes from that is MORE DAMAGE. Bad breath. Death. Seeds of darkness.

This brings me back to the Judge. I want to share with you the definition of the word Judge in the Hebrew: "The ancient Hebrew concept of a "judge" is one who restores life. The goal of one that rules or judges is to bring a pleasant and righteous life to the people. This can also mean a deliverer as one whom restores life to his people."

The whole Bible was written from Hebrew Concept. How far have we gotten away from this? Even if we are guilty in the Courtroom, it is not The Judge's heart to "punish us" or put us behind bars. If we are guilty, we already are behind bars. We already are in a form of punishment. Whatever we are guilty of is something standing between us and God. That is enough punishment. What more punishment do we need? Punishment would be having to stay in that place. It's not His desire to be a part from us. So He is there to REMOVE what stands between us. By giving us what we NEED. What our soul needs. He gives us Jesus. "TURN TO ME" He says. "And you will be delivered." The word CHASTISEMENT, means TO TURN. "You are guilty of this...now turn to ME and I will Love you and take away what the Accuser accuses you of." It's not to destroy us or damage us more. It's to lift us up. When the verdict comes, we then have the option to turn, or stay in our guilt/punishment.

It's a process...it's a learning experience...:
OF COURSE we are guilty sometimes. We are ADAM. We are MAN. We first come to Him filthy. Guilty. But that is what He is there for. To forgive us. By His Son's blood. To clean us up. We can't make ourselves right. We have to step into His Love and into His will and allow HIM to make us right. I'm not saying it's right to harm others with accusations. But if we have, we have access to be forgiven! And if we've been wounded, we have access to forgive and to be healed.

So, we are going to have to ENDURE. ENDURE the process. ENDURE the time on trial. ENDURE surrendering ourselves. KNOWING what it's for. There will come a time when we will thank the Accuser. "Thank you for taking part in cleaning me up!" But that can only come, when we KNOW who really is FOR us. When we can understand the Courtroom.

As we understand this, we can take it easy on ourselves and on each other. Giving ourselves and them a little break. Desiring ourselves and them to have time for the process and to have LIFE. To have freedom, healing, deliverance, and a relationship with The One that Loves us/them the most. We can stop pointing the finger. And focus on what's going on between ourselves, The Defense Attorney and The Judge.

The kids open my eyes:
Wanna know where some of this came from? For years, it has been hitting me at school. The kids ALWAYS tell on each other. And I always tell them: "Don't worry about what _______ is doing, worry about yourself. Just make sure you are being good and I'll worry about them." Is this not us?? Taking each other before the Judge. Always worrying about where others are off. NOT for the sake of being an advocate for them. But for the sake of pointing the finger at them. Focusing on the wrong. All the while, we need a good cleaning ourselves. (I'm guilty of this too!) If we all just got lost in His eyes and let go of everything else. Let go of all those other cares. Ignoring that accusing spirit in us and around....and letting go into His Love and Chastisement.....we'd all be cleaned up and linked together.

We are so good at condemning ourselves and others. So good at playing "The Judge" to ourselves and others. Wounding ourselves and others more than they already are. Let's get good at reaching our arms UP to our Beautiful Father. Getting right with The One that matters. Letting Him be The Judge. Trusting Him. Turning to Him. Falling in Love with Him. Truly Loving ourselves. And developing the ability to really Love others and have compassion on them. Stepping on our wickedness. Not compromising. Not allowing it to have any power. Because we know, it's not what God wants. Exchanging the power wickedness has, for His power. Giving it ALL to Him. Our cares, our unforgiveness, our self-hatred.....everything. Surrendering any right we feel like we have. In exchange for Him. And ALL He has for us. And ALL He has for us to pour out on others.

I'm guilty. And I'm wounded. And I believe He wants us to know it's ok. Of course we aren't completely like Him. Of course we have accused and been wounded. But WE HAVE ACCESS. To have our guilt forgiven and our wounds healed. We have access to know forgiveness like He does. We have access to freedom from condemnation. Freedom from caring about what the accuser thinks about us. We have access to a process. To LIFE. We CAN let go. We have access to surrender all. To make an exchange.

I pray for freedom. And for ALL blocks to be removed from between us and Him. So that we know His Love. I pray for abandonment. Abandoning ourselves. And letting that be an offering to Him. So we can, in turn, receive HIS HEART, HIS MIND and HIS WAYS.

I cry out for His Kingdom. I pray that we all crown You as our KING Father.

For all the guilty and all the wounded...

Here's to the Redeemer!
MLB

10 year reunion. And time...

I've been hesitant to write this. And debating back and forth with myself whether I should or not. But, why not? It's on my heart so why wrestle with doubt?

Tomorrow is my 10 year class reunion. Wow. I'm amazed and really can't believe that much "time" has gone by. It's like time just hastens and picks us up and carries us. And before we know it we are somewhere, and we stand there looking back at all that has gone by while time was carrying us. Time aged us. Time made us different. Time took us through joy but also took us through hardship. Time brought upon laughter but also brought upon sadness. Regardless of what time carried us through, we are not the same as we were before time picked us up and ran.

Of course there are things that stay the same. Who we are doesn't change. Our essence and our depths are always sitting there underneath everything. But there's something about maturity and the way time matures us. There's something about the years we spent as immature, trying to figure things out. Trying to fit in. Trying to find who we really are. Trying to fill voids, find acceptance and significance. There's something about immaturity that can be real ugly. But there's something about it, that when you look back, you can see the beauty of the process. Like a garden. You can watch the process of it. During certain times, it doesn't look good and it's frustrating. You have to plow the hard ground and make it soft for the seeds to go in. You have to go through a process of waiting...counting on the rain and sun to nourish the seeds so they will open under ground . Then the anticipation when you see something come out of the ground but you know there's still more waiting to do until your flower or crop is full grown. Then one day you look, and there  it is. Fruit. What it was all for. And you look back and you see that there had to be a process.

Ugly is going to happen. But ugly isn't the point. The point is learning and growing. I'm not gonna sit here and say I don't hold onto the ugly, because I have and I do. So many times I catch my self saying "if only I could go back to high school as who I am now! It would be so different." But here's what I think I am missing. Then is gone and I can never get it back. Now is what matters. Have I grown and learned a ton? Yes! So why not let go of then and embrace now? Continuing to learn and grow. Allowing the plowing in whatever way. Allowing the rain and sunlight to nourish the seeds in my garden. Never allowing the process to stop.

I think that's what counts. And I think a lot of us hold onto then. When now is what counts.

Everyone is different. And that's a beauty. There isn't anyone that is "better" than another person, and there isn't anyone that is less. For any reason. We are who we are. And a person who judges doesn't define us. Their judgement defines them. WE define us. If we can overcome fear and anxiety and our immaturity before time picked us up, we can all celebrate where time has brought us. We can embrace and enjoy each other without a room full of people with walls up. Or a room full of people trying to prove something. We have nothing to prove. Who we are with no walls....who we are without trying ...is beautiful.

I am excited. I think this can be a real beautiful time. A room full of people that went to school together the whole first part of their lives. A room full of people that are all different and all special. A room full of people bringing something. We all have something to bring even if we think we have nothing. Just bringing ourselves is bringing something. A room full of people that went through time. Went through a level of maturity. It doesn't matter how you look or where you are in life right now. We hurt ourselves by comparing.

I just want every one to know that it's ok to come as you are. There's so many people I am looking forward to seeing and talking to. And it took time to get me here. To break through insecurities and walls. The acceptance thing and the voids.

Other people don't define us. And there is no image or standard we have to fit into.
Different is beautiful!
Come!
Come as you are!

This is what my heart looks like.
MLB

Keeping warm.

Miscellaneous thoughts:

I'm at my parent's house. Freezing. The house is always so cold, when it's cold outside. Sometimes I wonder if the heater is broke. But then come back to the realization that my Dad is just conserving energy. Which I totally understand. However today, a thought came across my mind. We have the heat...why not use it to keep us warm? And I started to think about those that lived during a time where they had to depend on actual fire. There was no such thing as heating and cooling. OR insulation. I wondered how cold they must have been at times. Because with the thermostat on 69 degrees, my fingers, toes and nose are icy. I remembered how they lived (well, how I heard or read that they lived). They had to use animal fur as a way to keep warm. Mostly as coats.

Where this is going:
I used to be anti "fur coats." Standing up for the animal. How mean it was. You know. But as I am thinking this, and thinking about the situation of the pioneers...they really had no choice. They had a need and there was something there to supply their need. It was about survival. Which I'm not always about "survival" when it comes to some cases. But we would then be getting into a different facet of selfishness and how we treat people. Anyway, so, I understand. Yes, it is unfortunate for the animal. But it's really either, the animal being used for us(sacrificing the animals life) or the person freezing to death(sacrificing the person's life). Many may not agree with this. And that's ok. I'm not looking for a debate. Just publicizing a mind change. What if it was God's intention. He said we would rule and have dominion over the animals and the beasts. Please don't take this the wrong way: I am not saying killing animals is right. That I should go out and find something and skin it to keep me warm. Now days we have access to go to stores. There is clothes and material available to us, for the purpose of keeping us warm. But back then, that wasn't the case. I don't condone "fur coats" for fashion purposes at all. To that extent, I feel like it is arrogant. But for the sake of a need, I can side with the purpose of animal fur to keep a person warm. If it's life or death and nothing else is available. If we still lived how the pioneers lived....no heating and cooling system, no store to buy sweaters and coats, sometimes, no access to materials (cotton and such) to actually make thick, warm clothing to keep us warm. One would probably think that one of the purposes for the animals (from God) was for our needs. Nourishment. And clothing. If I'm not mistaken, John the Baptist wore Camel's hair. As I'm sure many others from the bible wore things like that.

It's a big deal to me, because I was so on the other side of this. Like there was some kind of block in my mind not allowing me to see it from this point of view. I can't imagine having to live how they lived. Obviously....now that we have "advanced" so much. But they did it. And I admire them. And a part of me wishes I could have experienced that way of living. That everyone could. So we could appreciate what we have and know what it means to have to work hard and work for a living. In everything that we do. (Farm, cook, clean, teach, make clothes...) There's pretty much something for everything now. Something to do something for us. That's getting off the subject though.

Enjoy a little something to think about.
MLB

Food for thought. Main dish with a few sides!

I wanted to share something with ya'll today. For a couple reasons.You will find the reasons as you read.

I am going to so called "complain" about a few things first. But it's 1.) the truth and 2.) to help paint this picture. Without the complaints, the whole thought wouldn't be complete.

Part 1:
I am pretty sick right now. Run down, no voice and a hurting throat. No exaggeration on any of those either. I had to go to work today and I had to stay. Meaning I had to strain my vocal cords all day and try to manage a class of three year olds with a whisper (barely). Which obviously drained me even more. But ya know, sometimes you just gotta do it. Stick it out and press through...Amen? Side note: the kids were hilarious. At first they were trying to figure out what was going on. And then when they figured it out, they all started whispering too. And then all of a sudden, they were all sick too. So they said, lol!!

On top of that, I LOST MY WALLET! Yikes!! I have to drive down to the Duncanville Dollar store tonight (40 minutes away) to see if I left it there. I can't call because they won't be able to understand a word I say.

So, with that being said....

These are tiny matters, yes.
It could be worse, yes!
And.....GOD IS STILL GOOD, YES!!!

This is my point. All these things, totally STINK. But God is still good. He doesn't change. My situations change. But He doesn't. He is constant. He is stable. And of course perfect and righteous and so, so mighty.

Those things are only temporary light afflictions. They won't last. It's just something that has to be endured until it all passes.

I realize too, that if I can't handle the small stuff, how can I handle the big stuff when it comes? All these things are raging waves crashing up against us, trying to knock us down. Trying to get us to forfeit our Faith.

Part 2:
Ya'll know I have a little, old blue izuzu pick up truck. To be honest, sometimes I wish I had a nice car. Or just A car. I look around at people driving nice vehicles and then there's me and my little truck.

Then I think of two things. Well three actually. 1.) Does it really matter?? In the grand scheme of things, does it REALLY matter? 2.) God GAVE me that truck. It was a gift from HIM! How much value does it add to that old, little thing?! It makes it priceless. And 3.) I have children's ministry in the back of that truck. In order to actually teach the kids, I have to take them out of the sanctuary. And we have no where else to go. It's either, stay in the sanctuary and try and keep them quiet and occupied or go outside and have a good time. So they sit in the back of my truck while I teach them. And we talk about our God/Father. I stepped back last night and just watched them. In the truck. And I was like...You gave this to me!! You gave me the truck, You gave me the kids and You gave me the ministry. It was beautiful. Who knows, He could've gave me the truck just for me and the kids. What comes out of the back of that truck on Sunday Nights is way better than ANY car I could ever have. I know I will get a car one day. But for now, I need to appreciate the truck. It's SO, SO good. In so many ways. A little old blue izuzu pick up truck.

I know it's hard to see sometimes, but He is all around. We just have to find Him. He wants to be found! He wants to be encountered. He wants us to remember Him. He wants us to know His goodness in our heart because we beheld it. Whether ourselves or in someone else's life. I see His Love and Mercy so much in other people's lives. More and better than any affection I know of. And that awakens me a lot of times. It helps with forgiveness and unrighteous judgement made out of flesh.

God is on a mission. He is as focused as focused gets. And He will accomplish His mission. We can either choose to be a part of this force or reject it. But the Life that comes with jumping on and being a part of this mission is far better than life a part from it. Where He isn't, we aren't safe. Our eyesight is bad. It's dark and confusing. We don't have to stay there though. He opens the door before closes it. He didn't choose to never open it. He invited us in. To be One with all He is. It takes letting go. It takes sacrifice. It takes endurance. It doesn't feel good to let go of what we want to believe. Or our wants. Little kids....they want their way. ALL the time. Even though they are so immature and have no idea about life yet, they will plead with you like they do. But we as guardians are more mature and we know better. They can want something with all their might, that we know would be bad for them, so we have to say no. Is it because we are big and bad and mean? NO! It's because we care and we see things that they don't yet. It kills them when they can't have what they want. But we can lead them and guide them the best we can to what we know they need. And we try to keep them safe. Away from harm. As they grow up and start making their own decisions, there are some things we can't make them do anymore. So when the consequence comes, is it our fault? Are we to be blamed for the effect of a bad decision? No. But we can help them learn from it. And not stop loving them, while they are growing up and learning. This is something I am really trying to work on myself. So this isn't AT you. It's WITH you.

Let us not accuse Him for the bad. Pointing our finger at Him. He is Holy and Righteous. He is our Judge. And His measuring rod is far more perfect than ours. Let's hop on and follow Him. So we can learn His ways. When the training wheels come off, we are going to fall off of our bike. But we've gotta get up and get back on. We can't give up. Because we CAN do it.

This was a little on and off track, so I hope you were able to stay with me.

Peace and strength to you by the Holy Spirit!

God is still good!
We CAN do it!

In the making...
MLB

My brother, Samuel.

This won't take long. It's just a brief dedication to my one and only brother, Samuel. I'm just sitting here thinking about him because tomorrow is his birthday. And I really can't even believe he is going to be 21. There's something in me that wants to go back and relive our childhood again. I want to love him again and hold him and kiss him and watch him grow. I want to embrace the beauty of our relationship. I was 7 when he was born. I've adored him his whole life. I still don't think he knows how much. He was my little buddy. I would go into his room at night when he was little, for years, just to check to see if he was breathing and to kiss him. Sometimes I just sat and watched him sleep. Not wanting to miss even that because I adored him so much. He told me that as we got older, he would stay up at night waiting for me to come home, to know I was safe in the house. It was something that happened the moment he was born. Like this love between us. I'm sad that those years are gone. But my love for him never dies. All three of us are in this season right now where we are apart. Not apart in heart, but apart in distance. And it's extremely hard on us. I can feel this triangular pull. It's what's in the middle of us that ties us together. It's like a magnet. I feel them. I miss them. I still want to hold them. They are so much a part of me. So much. I can't really even express or put into words how much I adore and cherish them. Time has aged us. Within that time, our triangle was formed. To keep us connected in our physical distance. Parts of a whole. Tomorrow is a big deal to me. It's one of my favorite days of the year. I cherish my brother's life. I always have. I always will.

Sam, you're a treasure to me. No precious jewel or material item can even compare to your value in my heart. Your precious. You've been a continuous gift. You and Janine were my first students and first loves.

I love October 13, 1990.
-MLB

Be encouraged!

I just wanted to share with this with you guys.

*The first couple paragraphs might be hard to understand. Just bare with it...

Rosh HaShanah (ראש השנה) is the Jewish New Year. It falls once a year during the month of Tishrei and occurs ten days before Yom Kippur. Together, Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur are known as the Yamim Nora’im, which means the Days of Awe in Hebrew. In English they are often referred to as the High Holy Days.

Rosh HaShanah literally means “Head of the Year” in Hebrew. It falls in the month of Tishrei, which is the seventh month on the Hebrew calendar. The reason for this is because the Hebrew calendar begins with the month of Nissan (when it's believed the Jews were freed from slavery in Egypt) but the month of Tishrei is believed to be the month in which God created the world. Hence, another way to think about Rosh HaShanah is as the birthday of the world.

Rosh HaShanah is observed on the first two days of Tishrei. Jewish tradition teaches that during the High Holy Days God decides who will live and who will die during the coming year. As a result, during Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur (and in the days leading up to them) Jews embark upon the serious task of examining their lives and repenting for any wrongs they have committed during the previous year. This process of repentance is called teshuvah. Jews are encouraged to make amends with anyone they have wronged and to make plans for improving during the coming year. In this way, Rosh HaShanah is all about making peace in the community and striving to be a better person.

Even though the theme of Rosh HaShanah is life and death, it is a holiday filled with hope for the New Year. Jews believe that God is compassionate and just, and that God will accept their prayers for forgiveness. END.


Please, please be encouraged by this! When I read it, I can feel it in my gut! It's such a beautiful time!
I believe that there is a major transitioning happening. And I know there is an open door! To peace and joy and unity! An end to things that have oppressed and divided. I believe that as we take part in this, MANY, MANY principalities and strongholds are going to fall out of high places.

They say "jews", but this is for every one! When ever the Lord talked about these FEASTS, He called them HIS FEASTS. Not "jewish" feasts. He is OUR God!  If we all focus on our relationship with the Lord and in that place work on ourselves and take our eyes off of each other, we all experience transformation and the Body of Christ is able to unite in such a great way. The enemy has been tormenting and attacking the Body. He goes strong to certain places that are weak and brings division. Because united, we are SO powerful against Him. He works hard to keep the Body from standing up and uniting with each other as God's army. Because He can't stop them. I believe that this new transition is going to change that. As we turn and "repent", we are stepping into a new place with our God. We will be stronger in Him. Healed. Delivered. Refreshed. Free from bondages. I believe that there will be a great restoration. Double of what the enemy has robbed us all of.

I know for some that may read this, this may seem foreign or totally outlandish. But you can't deny that there is two forces out there. Satan and his angels and Jehovah and His. You see where Satan has damaged this world and the Body of Christ. But God is raising up people to change all that. To bring Heaven to Earth in a MUCH greater way.

Be encouraged. Things have seemed so dark for some. But this year is going to be NEW! Even for those that don't catch this. I feel like things are still gonna start going up hill. Because the atmosphere around is going to start to change. Atmospheres of unity change things. Atmosphere of praise and thanksgiving.

I personally am more than ready for this. Just thinking about it has forgiveness pouring through my heart! I don't care about anything but going forward into this. WITH all of you! : ) 

I truly believe!

A laid down lover in the making,
MLB

A look inside...

Foreward:
I'm taking a risk by making this journal entry public. But I know when I read about people in a raw and vulnerable state, it helps me. Because I feel and remember that I'm not alone. I totally appreciate nakedness, but I also feel like you have to be cautious and wise about it. I choose to share this particular entry because if I read this about someone, it would give me hope. So, I hope that you won't see a depressed woman, but someone that is trying to find her place in this world while walking with her heavenly Father. Walking through struggles that feel like your walking through an active platoon. Walking through mud at times. Thick mud. But I know it's not the end. It's just on the way. And great lessons can be learned from the worst most despairing times in our lives. I cling to that as much as I can. Sometimes I feel like the enemy has this vendetta against me. This plan to destroy me. He attacks from every angle. Hating me. And...it could be true. But then, I have to remember that my Father is greater than Him. And He lets certain things go. He lifts the hedge even in His Love for me, because it is His Love for me. And His Love for everyone else too. Because if He can press me and form me and humiliate me and teach me unconditional, selfless Love through trials, then lifting that hedge is a must! I fight it sometimes because it hurts. I'm trying to learn how to wave my white flag. Not making friends with the enemy, but learning to use him to my advantage. I'm learning how to trust Him. But that hurts too. Because we so desperately want to control our own lives. And we can, but it's much easier to just go with the older ox, then pull against Him. There's rest in that. I can't wait to be able to fully do that. Just jumping off the extremely high cliff. Free falling. Not scared at all. Embracing the wind hitting my body as I descend. And then there He is. Just in time to catch me. And then we fly up into the sky together. It's such a beautiful thought. It's those thoughts that I wish consumed my mind more. Part of the surrender. Letting go of my thoughts...breaking a dam and letting His water rush into my head. I believe it's coming and I'm on my way. So remember that as you continue to read....

9/10/11
Good thoughts? Maybe not so. What feels like real thoughts and feelings-more than likely.

I liked feeling blah the other day. It felt a lot like peace and a lot like letting go. Today I feel waves crashing in me. Not constant. They come like a tropical storm, then they die down and then repeat. Today I feel rather cloudy. I'm walking around in all this beauty-under blue skies and luke warm breezes that feel cool compared to the sun's heat. Trees and flowers and grass of all sorts. Away from "civilization". From everything chaotic. Only to find that I can't run from it when it's in me. Thoughts clenching my mind. Tight. I want blue skies and luke warm breezes inside me. Instead it's chaos. Worry, fear and anxiety. Things I try to ignore. But they are such nags!! And if I even glance at them-I open a door. They're invited without being invited. I hate them and what they do to me. I hate how they make me dysfunctional. Keeping me from true goodness. They hate me. And want to destroy me from the inside out. Like a cancer. But, it's in my mind. Eating at it. All the goodness. My breath feels short. It even takes that away. It wears me out and it wears me down. It's so horrible! How something can hate and not Love. Desire death upon a soul and not Life. I believe I'm more than this. That freedom exists. That everything that seems so big to me is probably so, so little to You. There's giants in the land. I want to fight them courageously without mistakenly doing this exhausting work to please You. You say only Faith pleases you. Living out of that. And I totally see why. I'm probably bound by the law. In a way, I feel it. Verses living in Faith. I feel like I have to do the law to get where I'm supposed to be going. I'm not really letting You transform me. I don't know how. I try to position myself so that I can let You in-but I feel like I always fail. And that is part of the chaos. Trying to figure this out. And then even that gets in the way-I feel like. I miss You! When I wasn't trying to work so hard. You were just there. We just were. We were moving. Things were happening without me trying. Now I feel like every thing is in our way. Everywhere I turn, it's something. If it's not one thing, it's another. How can this be? What can separate a daughter and her Father? The Love between them-His Love for her. If I only knew the capacity of your Love for me. Like I know it and feel it from certain people. That tangible. I want to inhale and acknowledge the intensity of It. Your desire and benevolence for me. In more than knowledge. Experiencing it apart from my natural five sense. Being more open to it. Not closed from this heaping pile that sometimes sits upon me. Like a garbage dump. Not the God in the Old Testament that feels so far away. Like there's so much distance between us. But a Father that Loves me crazy. Not a God that demands I hurry and walk straight or I'll be utterly destroyed. It gives me anxiety.
End.

Afterward:
I know that's a lot. But it's my heart undressed. It is what it is. Part of this whole experience of the Spiritual Realm. Trying to tap into that. And live there. In my mind. And not allowing the natural to rule over me. Remember when I said "everywhere I turn?" There's an answer to that even though it wasn't a question. If I can begin to let go of whats around me...being consumed by it....situations and certain things in me and what not....and just look up.....that's my way out. But it's all about trust here. I'm sure you can see. COMPLETELY putting my life in His hands and not my own. Trusting every thing He has ever said to me. Then everything else will quiet down. And the next time I look around, He will have taken care of everything. Because I let go and trusted and took my own hands off.

I'm learning.
From the best Teacher in existence.
Hope floats...
MLB

Adjustment.

Wed. August 24, 2011
Ever read that children's book "Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day"?

I had one of those today. I recently left my my old job and started at a new daycare. Same position-preschool teacher (3 year olds). And it has been such a hard transition for me. It's so uncomfortable and challenging. The old day care was private and laid back and extra ordinary if you ask me. Way different than your typical day care center. It was at a country club on a golf course. My room was lined with windows. We watched the seasons change together through the year. Nothing is ever "perfect", but I was extremely happy and comfortable. The kids and I connected tremendously and there was a high level of respect between us. I felt like I could reach them. And they totally reached me in so many ways.

And I left. Why? Well, I was offered better pay. And when your single with students loans chained to your ankle, it seems like the best thing to do. I also felt like it was an open door. Like by doing it I was setting something into motion. I would be starting a momentum and things would start moving. Hopefully into a school district. I felt like by stepping out of the comfort zone that is what would happen.

It's only been a week and a half. So I hate to judge my decision off of such a short time period. I'm just having a REALLY hard time. It's difficult not to compare where I was to where I am. I feel like I don't like it. Like it doesn't fit. And I can't tell if it's the adjustment or if I just don't belong here. How do you know? I feel like I'm bailing on the kids if I leave. Like I'm giving up...throwing in the towel. Kinda even like I failed. At a more challenging position.

It's got me feeling a little depressed.

Could it be my perspective?
Negativity?

I guess time will tell.

Today I felt like I was in a zoo (why do people say that? the animals are behind cages and tamed most of the time. But you get what I mean when I say that.). I myself felt like a monster. The kids, totally out of control. And me trying to get control in whatever way I could. STRESSFUL.

To top it all off, after work I went and babysat the twins. Two boys that I am absolutely IN LOVE with. Truly. I adore them. They are so affectionate and they feed my heart. They love all over me. It felt great. I miss it. (They are in my old class).

I feel like the old place filled me up. I was giving to the kids and they were giving to me to. They really helped me. It was like some kind of therapy. The place I am at now is different. I have to pick up the pieces. These kids are in a state of such lack in so many ways.

My last week at the old daycare I was aware that the new place was going to be different. And I felt like the new place was going to be a new learning experience for me. To make me a better teacher. To expose me to a different group of children. To learn how to love and care for all children.

I guess I forget that in the midst of everything. Maybe the truth is, this is going to require more of me. More of my mind, more of my heart, more work, more time, more of my self. To reach them. Maybe the old place prepared me for this. By filling me up. Maybe there's season that you give and you are given to, but there are also season where you just give.

I can't sit here and say this is going to be easy. But I want it. I don't want to give up or turn away. I want to embrace this. And give. By the end, receiving. Receiving all the lessons. I won't walk away empty handed. Ill have a greater ability and more to give to the next group....

In the end, maybe it is all about perspective. Imagine if that's the case with everything.
The state of our mind.

On that note, this is to be continued!

At the end of Alexander's Terrible, Horrible, no good, very bad day, his mom says "some days are like that. Even in Australia." (throughout the book, he kept saying he wanted to move to Australia) It's simple and comforting.

 From stressed to hopeful with a hint of reality that this is going to be difficult. But good.
-MLB

Velocity.

Velocity
By: Billy Collins
In the club car that morning I had my notebook
open on my lap and my pen uncapped,
looking every inch the writer
right down to the little writer’s frown on my face,
but there was nothing to write
about except life and death
and the low warning sound of the train whistle.
I did not want to write about the scenery
that was flashing past, cows spread over a pasture,
hay rolled up meticulously —
things you see once and will never see again.
But I kept my pen moving by drawing
over and over again
the face of a motorcyclist in profile —
for no reason I can think of —
a biker with sunglasses and a weak chin,
leaning forward, helmetless,
his long thin hair trailing behind him in the wind.
I also drew many lines to indicate speed,
to show the air becoming visible
as it broke over the biker’s face
the way it was breaking over the face
of the locomotive that was pulling me
toward Omaha and whatever lay beyond Omaha
for me and all the other stops to make
before the time would arrive to stop for good.
We must always look at things
from the point of view of eternity,
the college theologians used to insist,
from which, I imagine, we would all
appear to have speed lines trailing behind us
as we rush along the road of the world,
as we rush down the long tunnel of time —
the biker, of course, drunk on the wind,
but also the man reading by a fire,
speed lines coming off his shoulders and his book,
and the woman standing on a beach
studying the curve of horizon,
even the child asleep on a summer night,
speed lines flying from the posters of her bed,
from the white tips of the pillowcases,
and from the edges of her perfectly motionless body.

Afterward by MLB:
I used to love this poem!
We are moving even when we are not.
Time is so precious. It doesn't ever stop for us.
It keeps pushing us forward.
There's so many empty lines coming off of people.
When I say this, I mean, unfortunate time spent.
Time that goes by without any good in it.
Depressing days.
Times hugged up by sorrow.
Abused.
Tortured.
Unloved.
Neglected.
Can't get up.
Wrecked with anxiety.
Confusion.
Anger.
Hate.
Strife.
Meaningless.
Division.
I don't mean to be negative with this.
Just truthful.
And I'm bringing it with an angle of inspiration.
Because it can touch somewhere deep in us.
Where we won't want to settle.
But we will move toward and fight for...
being the change we wish to see in the world.
Where lines of light come off of us moving in time.
Where we turn toward The Source of Light to receive.
So that we can give it others.
And it becomes our dedication.
To fight for this.
To turn to The Light.
To give.
Because time isn't stopping.
And anything can happen tomorrow....
So let us bend toward Love.
And surrender to Him.
And the very movement, in time, or out, whispering "hope".

Thoughts on the Casey Anthony trial and repentance.

Thoughts on "the Casey Anthony trial".

I haven't watched one bit of it. I've just heard people talk about it and I've seen glimpses of it's status on the internet. And now there's a huge uproar because the verdict was what every one WASN'T hoping for: not-guilty. Which I can understand. Your heart goes out for that little girl. And you just know the mom did it, and now she's getting off.

We all know how corrupt our judicial system can be. So this really shouldn't come as much of a surprise. Even though justice is supposed to be "fair", it isn't always that way. However, I think one thing that might've slipped our minds is that, though the natural justice system seemingly failed, God is still "The Judge". God sees everything and knows every thing. That lady might not have got what most people wanted her to get for what she did, but she is going to have to face God with this. And it's not gonna be between all of us and her and Him. This is going to be between her and Him. We can get around the natural law and the natural justice system, but we will never be able to get around our God...our Judge...our Creator.

And here is a mind blowing twist: Am I saying that she is going to go to hell for this. No, I'm not. Of course there is ALWAYS consequences for our actions. And if she is guilty, she will be found guilty before God. But here is how awesome our God is, and how different He is then us. She is going to have a chance to repent and receive salvation. One of God's main characteristics is FORGIVENESS. He is merciful. Which is hard for us to comprehend, because we want people to suffer. To get what they deserve. Eye for an eye. And then there's God. Who wants repentance. Why? Because that's what we "should" do? No! Because He actually desires sinners to turn to Him. So they can be set free and delivered.

Repent doesn't just mean to say sorry and then every thing is ok. Or to simply proclaim Jesus as your savior and you're good. Because you can do all those things and not really meant it. Or just use it as a form of manipulation. Plus, it's not a vain act. Where you say you repent because you're supposed to and you don't want to get in trouble. But then you go back and do it again. And again and again. And as long as you say you repent after each time, you're ok. My kids do that all the time in my classroom. They think if they say they're sorry, they are off the hook and can immediately get out of time out or not have to have any consequences to their actions. I started to tell them "Sorry means to change". If you're truly sorry, then you'll begin to change your behavior. You'll begin to see what kind of effect your behavior has on others and yourself. But that has to come first. An eye-opener. A conviction deep within you. To get you to the end of your rope. Where you don't want to be that way anymore. And you really want to turn away from the direction you were going. For your sake and others.

In the Old Testament, repentance speaks of a turning. In the New Testament, it speaks of a changing of one's mind. So what or who are we turning to? The mind of Christ. We're turning to Him. To get back to our Father, Jehovah. In the definition, it actually says to turn back. We were once with Him. And He wants us to come back. No matter how far we've gone away. If this lady would've had a renewing and washing of her mind with who Christ is and who she is really meant to be, would she have done that? NO! She is obviously some kind of sick. Mentally. Something is in her mind. Something other than Jesus. That would cause her to be how she is. The unfortunate and sad part about it is, she might not even know that Satan is her King right now. She might not have even chose him. Who knows what she went through growing up. What kinds of things happened to her. What kind of environments shaped her. Where and how the darkness came in. And began to consume her mind and control her actions. It doesn't make it ok. It's not an excuse for her. But it is the truth. And I believe God wants to change all of that. I believe he wants to open her eyes. And desires for her to repent. I believe He wants to set her mind free. And fill it with His.

But, we all have a choice to choose Him. We don't have to. He doesn't force us to. But she can never make the choice until it's in front of her and she can see it ("Eyes to see and ears to hear.") So do we damn her to hell? Or pray that her eyes would be opened and she would be saved? That she would give her life to The Greatest Lover of all. And He could do a great work in her. And she could be a mighty testimony of who He really is and of what IS possible. Because we think something like that is so far fetched. And that's probably our problem. Our own mind and beliefs. Who is He then? Someone that just sits back and watches? I don't think so. Things happened to people in the New Testament because they believed Jesus could do it. They believed in who He was/is. Why does that change? Why don't we believe in the power of The Holy Spirit? That it CAN happen today? What changed? Because I know HE didn't.

I hope we all repent. For the changing of our minds. For more belief in the impossible. And a greater heart for people that need The Savior the most. Maybe not with this trial, but I know in other situations and circumstances, I have unrighteously judged people. With my human mind and human heart. Lacking compassion, mercy and forgiveness. But I believe with my whole heart that if we open up to it...if we turn to Him and His truth and His ways and His mind and His heart...that we could know righteous judgement. We could know His mind and His heart. We could be washed by it ("Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish." Eph 5:25-27). It could cleanse us and set us free. I believe we can know compassion, mercy and forgiveness. I believe we can have His perspective ("If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:" Php 2:1-5) . He doesn't withhold it from us. Why would He say "Love others as I have Loved you". We can't! Our human, first Adam nature can't. But we can turn to Him, allow Him to transform us from the inside out. Creating that Love in us.

Paul says in 1 cor 15:
42  So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption:
43  It is sown in dishonour; it is raised in glory: it is sown in weakness; it is raised in power:
44  It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. There is a natural body, and there is a spiritual body.
45  And so it is written, The first man Adam was made a living soul; the last Adam was made a quickening spirit.
46  Howbeit that was not first which is spiritual, but that which is natural; and afterward that which is spiritual.
47  The first man is of the earth, earthy: the second man is the Lord from heaven.
48  As is the earthy, such are they also that are earthy: and as is the heavenly, such are they also that are heavenly.
49  And as we have borne the image of the earthy, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly.

If these "seeds" are being sown in "corruption", "dishonour", "weakness", "natural body", "first adam"....this is for now!

When a man and a woman are having intercourse (except for rape cases), the woman chooses to be with the man and receives him. She is aware of what she is doing and is engaged in the act.

We are supposed to be the Bride of Christ. But He will never rape us or force Himself on us. He allows us to pursue Him, and choose for His seed to be sown into our mind. He waits for us to turn to Him. And engage in a relationship with Him. Learning of Him, letting Him Love on us. And save us and heal us and deliver us from evil. Transforming us more and more into incorruption, glory, power, spiritual body. Because that's what He is. And if He is in us then that's what we begin to become. Where there is Light, darkness shall flee. The more Light we allow into ourselves, the more darkness leaves. But we have to let go of the darkness. We have to divorce it. We can't be married to both darkness and Light. That's adultery.

I know I've said this before....Jehovah is not bully. And neither is Jesus. They just know what is best for mankind. And they see what darkness does to us. They hate the things that keep us in bondage. They hate to see us choose those things. They hate to see us choose destruction. He just wants us to turn. And not live in limitations. Thinking we have to live like this or this is all there is. There's so much more! And He gives us access to it. We just have to let Faith in and then walk by Faith and not by sight.

I know that was a lot. I just believe in a Brighter Day. And I know it can be now.

It's hard to pray for people we are feeling a type of way about. Believe me, I know. But maybe we can at least ask God to help us. Help us see like Him, think like Him and act like Him.

Because without Him, we can't. Apart from Him, we don't know true goodness.

Love doesn't always come as mushy gushy. Sometimes our parents had to give us tough Love. But it was all because they cared about us and desired to see us go in a safe direction and not do the "wrong" things in their eyes.

One more thing...I don't know where that little girl is, but I'd like to think that she is in God's hands. And that whatever she suffered, has been lifted off of her. Because He is perfect peace and Love.

I'm sending out an S.O.S.
Who's with me?

-MLB

Faith in the Kingdom!

I talk about Faith a lot so I just wanted to share a few things on the depth of It. Really, if we use faith generally, we can have faith in anything. "I have faith in you!" "I have faith in the Mavs this season." Or "my faith is Christianity." "My faith is Baptist." "My faith is Buddism." But what I learned about it, is that, it is truly substance. It's not just a strong hope or a sturdy belief. It is something immoveable. Something that is real. Something that is to stand no matter what. In Hebrews 11 it says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." That word hope actually means expectation and full confidence. So it isn't hope as we've known it. Where you hope it will turn out one way but you really don't know if it will. This hope speaks of a true belief in something or something to come. "I have no doubt in it." And it's speaking of substance. So it's something that we have that causes us to expect and have full confidence. That's why it says it's also the evidence of things not seen. The substance is the evidence of things not seen. An example is Yeshua/Jesus. He was substance and evidence of the Father. He was Heaven on Earth. He was a picture of Faith. His essence was drawn from the invisible and manifested into the visible. His bones were the Father. It was what held Him up at all times no matter what. He was tested many, many times, not just by Satan Himself but by the Pharisees and Sadducees or by anyone that mocked Him or had unbelief in them. And sometimes, with us, that's enough to shake us. It's enough to cause us to say "maybe they are right". But Yeshua/Jesus never waivered. Another example is, what the Holy Spirit reveals to us about the Father. It is substance and evidence of the invisible. The revelation begins to manifest in our lives and become 100 percent real. You'll start to notice that what is being revealed specifically to you is for the greater union of you and The Father. And not only is the Father being revealed but so are you (the bride of Christ). What is being revealed is your Faith so you can become Faith (standing between The Father and others. Drawing from Heaven into you and then pouring out Heaven below.). Faith is not just the bones to hold your temple up, but they are weapons against the enemy. Also, the more sturdy your Faith gets, the more powerful it becomes for other people. Because they can see substance and evidence. Not just by what you say, but by how you live. People start to see Him. His fruit. They start to see Heaven as the essence of your earth. The word Heaven means the abode of God. So wherever He abides is Heaven. As we allow Him to reign in our earth, we become an extension of Heaven. " Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven." A Kingdom is a place that has a King that rules and reigns the land. You can see clearly that right now, the King of this earth is not Yehovah/Jehovah by the fruit that is produced throughout the nations. It's the fruit of satan's breath...of confusion and misunderstanding of who the One true and Living God is and who we are. We can tell by the sickness and disease. By the natural and spiritual deaths. By the oppression. By the division. The cruelty. By the lack of Agape Love. By what goes on individually in a person....multiply that by billions and billions. And that is what makes up our earth. Rich and arrogant. Poor and malnourished. A corrupt earth. But it is clear that, that isn't what is meant to be. As we each turn to our Father and submit to Him, He can pour into us, and what He pours into us becomes our Faith. Our Faith becomes an extension of Heaven. And we become a piece of His Kingdom on earth. There's supposed to be healing! And miracles! There's supposed to be freedom in The Spirit of the Lord. From all the oppression the enemy has placed on us because we unknowingly have let him be our king for so long. Seeds planted in our minds. Lies. Experiences that have corrupted us. Lack of True Love. Of pure and Holy judgement. Of Spiritual edification. Of true goodness for our soul. Fruits of the flesh will always wound people in some way. It will always damage them. And that is why submission is so important. Because we, ourselves don't know. We can try to know and try to make up what we think true Love is. Or try to produce fruits of the Spirit on our own. But we can't. We just end up tired and weary. And want to give up or feel full of unbelief at that point. But with the Father in control and by allowing Him in us, He can do it. He can reveal perfect revelations to us. He can make our Faith a sturdy pillar within us. He can perform miracles. He has the right words for people. He can teach us everything we need to know. He can lead us into our destiny. He can heal. He can form true righteousness in us. Not righteousness we make up and try to fit into. He can change our minds and hearts. Because His Spirit holds all the power and all the truth. All the Love and all the fruits of the Spirit. But if we don't submit to goodness....if we fight against His Love...it will just make a big mess. Time and time again. Our Faith is always tested. Situations will come, thoughts from our carnal mind will come to oppose the Faith in us. When the test comes, we have a choice. This is our part. Our fight. We have to fight the opposition with our gift of Truth. And each time, our faith gets stronger and stronger. Enduring the test is often difficult. Especially at first. But the stronger our Faith gets, the easier it is to fight. It's like our muscles. Weight training. The more we lift the stronger we get. We have to practice our Faith and we will begin to develop a new perspective. So the opposition loses its power and our Faith is now alive. We live in the reality of Heaven. Not letting the oppression on earth bring us down, but instead, spread Heaven and defeat oppression. Though things might seem great in your life, things aren't so great in other people lives. And they need Saved. And not that we are their Savior...but it says...saved by grace THROUGH FAITH! People that The Father can use. People that He can have a relationship with. And then together, Love the world. Bringing unity all over the place. True unity. By His Heart and Mind ruling and reigning. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand! Let us grow in Faith! And no longer be divided against each other. But rising up together against the enemy that loves division. Here's to US! -MLB

I like your heart, 6/10/11. Learning to Host the Presence by Bill Johnson.

I like your heart, 6/10/11. Featuring Bill Johnson.

I read this article last night on Elijah List.

Wanted to share...

"Learning to Host the Presence"

One of the greatest privileges in life is to learn to be a person that God will rest upon. He already lives in every born again Believer. But He doesn't rest upon all of us. One way I like to say it is, "He is in me for my sake, but He is upon me for yours." When He is upon us, it especially changes others around us. Jesus modeled this lifestyle in the story of His baptism in water.
When Jesus was baptized, He came out of the water, the Heavens opened, the Father spoke, and then the Holy Spirit came upon Him as a dove and remained. "John testified saying, 'I have seen the Spirit descending as a dove out of Heaven, and He remained upon Him'" (John 1:32). If, in the natural, I have a dove sitting on my shoulder and I want to go about life without it flying away, how am I going to live? Every step would be with the dove in mind.
As we become faithful in learning how to host the presence of the Lord, it is important to understand that there is a tension between two realities: He has been given to us without measure, yet what we enjoy on a daily basis has been "measured" to us according to our faithfulness. In other words, we have access to the unlimited measure of God's presence, but He doesn't entrust Himself to untrustworthy people. All of the measurements are set up on our end of the equation. He typically entrusts us with the measure of the presence we are willing to jealously guard.
We are to become His resting place—the place from which the exploits of Heaven are accomplished. For when the Lord rests upon a person, there is actually an atmospheric shift that takes place wherever that person goes. How do you think Peter's shadow healed people? Our shadow will always release whatever overshadows us. When we learn to host the presence of the Lord, we get more breakthroughs by accident than ever used to happen on purpose. That is a possibility for every Believer every day.
One of the conflicts we face in learning to host the presence is sometimes found in the very lessons we learned from the previous seasons. Believe it or not, those principles sometimes war against the actual presence of the Lord upon us. We are to use principles to plan by, but we must learn to live from the presence. And if there's a conflict between the two, presence always wins out over principle.
For example, I may be accustomed to aggressively pursuing the will of God for my life. My key verse might be Matthew 11:12, "and the violent take it by force." Living by principle has me apply what I have learned up to this point—violent faith. But in this story, the presence of God may be leading me to "receive the Kingdom as a child" (Luke 18:17). If you live entirely by principles only, you will make assumptions in certain moments and seasons that are entirely based on Scripture, but they will be in conflict with the Spirit. In this example, both violent faith and childlike faith are Biblical. It is the Holy Spirit who knows how we are to respond in each particular season or in a given situation.
We are supposed to be well grounded in what God has said so we can discern what He is saying. It is the presence of God that gives me access to continuous ongoing faith, because faith comes by hearing, not having heard. "So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God" (Romans 10:17). Learning to host the presence of God provides the atmosphere of the heart where faith becomes natural and normal.
Let's commit ourselves to become the resting place of God.
Bill Johnson
Bill Johnson Ministries
bjm.org and ibethel.org

The battlefield!

Try to follow me as I go through all this....

On Saturday I went to the lake alone to just be and read and write. Sometimes it takes that for me to be quiet inside. While I'm there, a whole chain of thoughts come to me. And they led to this scripture:

"Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.

Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. 

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

This verse seems so cliche', I know. But what Paul is saying here is really powerful. He says this because he knows all about the battlefield in the mind.

I can't tell you how many times the Lord has brought this chapter is Philipians to my attention. The more I go through and the more He reminds me of this, the more I can use it as a weapon in my battle.

What he is saying here is crucial.

This morning, I'm on a walk/run and this song called "no weapons" comes on my ipod by Brian Whalen. And as it came on I started thinking about how the Lord gives us the weapons we neep to fight the battle in our mind.

When any word of Life or Love comes into our mind, our carnal mind rises up in fiery to oppose that truth. It says the carnal mind is emnity toward God. That is a form of opposition and hatred toward something. So there becomes this battle for our mind...for our being. God wants to abide in us and move through us and so does darkness.

Everything that we receive into us creates our perspective which then creates the outside (our earth). You can look around and see what the human race's perspective has created. We create our world with what we believe. With what we allow in us...by what we are.

For so long there have been lies we believed and darkness we have been consumed with. And the Lord wants to wash those things away with His thoughts. That's why He uses water as one of the things He compares Himself to. Because water is pure and it washes. That's why He uses seeds. Because seeds are planted and when they are cultivated, they grow.


The more God wants to change me and deliever me, the more my mind rises up. Those things that don't want me to believe the truth about God or myself. They want me to keep thinking about them. They want me to focus on situations and issues and worry and fear and negativity. But the Lord gives us the weapon to defeat even the strongest stronghold in our life. He begins to unveil Himself to us and show us who we truly are and are meant to be. He plants seeds in us. He rains on our earth. But the secret is to rise up in violence with our Faith. With the thoughts that He gives us.

For some time now, our ministry has been releasing words about rumination. Rumination is when certain animals bring up their food and chew it again. It goes down into the stomach and then they bring it back up, chew it again (break it down more) and then swallow it again. Rumination goes one in the same with meditation. We brings things into our conscious and into our awareness. All day long we think. And the Lord is telling us to practice thinking about Him and who He showed us we are. That is our Faith! This becomes hard to do in the battle. It's not easy at all.

I remember when I was litte, my dad always used to get on my about practicing my shot and my left hand. I was weak at my left hand. My shot was good, but I wanted it to be better. So I could shoot with someone in my face. (talking about basketball). But I didn't. I didn't go the extra mile. I settled. Because to me it was too hard. I didn't want to take the time to do it. The same thing happened with me in school. When there were things I needed to work harder at then others, I didn't want to do it. Because it took extra effort. And so goes the same with this. If we want to win, we have to go the extra mile. We HAVE to give the extra effort. He gives us everything we need to win. He gives us Himself. But we have to use Him. And we will be tested over and over again. So we get stronger and stronger. Or weaker and weaker if we don't fight. The first time, it might be hard to remember Him. But after test after test, if we are practicing, we can grab our weapon and slay the giant that rises up in us and tries to tell us "I am truth". If we begin to meditate on our weapons more, when the test comes....a situation or a cirmumstance that causes things to surface in us and tell us "this is reality", "this is who you are", "this is who God is"...those things which are lies....we have meditated so much on what the truth really is, that it is easier for us to remember and believe the truth. And those lies lose their hold and their power begins to decrease.

Mediation is a form of intimacy with the Lord. Because as we bring Him into our mind, and who we are in Him into our mind, there is a consumation taking place. A union. Between our human body and Him. It is truth becoming one with us.

We have to be so careful what we allow in our minds. There is this lady I work with. She is always dealing with all these misc. health problems. And I know it's because of what she is allowing in her mind. Thoughts about herself. And just bascially a longing to be Loved and have some sort of attention. But she is destroying herself. What she needs is the Holy Spirit. To rain on her and plant seeds in her. Of truth. Of Him. Or who she really is. And I know as her thoughts and mind would begin to change, so would her health problems. That I believe she is just making up. But this woman needs Love.

I believe as we allow the Lord to Love us. And come into our mind and reveal truths to us, we will them becomes Love. And we can plant seeds and rain on people that desperately need it. And then we can teach them about the battlefield in our mind and they can defeat those things that rise up against truth.

This is heaven coming to earth. Him coming into us. Making us good like Him. Freeing us. Delivering us. Saving us. From things in us that lie to us. That begin to kill us. And lead us in the wrong direction.

We all have voids. That long to be filled. And we seek things to try and fill the emptiness. If we fill those voids with Light, we will produce the fruits of the Spirit. But if we always try to fill our voids with things that will perish, we will never be truly satisfied and act out in fruits of flesh.

The Lord showed me a picture of a cross awhile ago, and He said to stay in the verticle place. And as I stayed in the verticle place with Him, He would take care of the horizontal. I didn't have to worry about that place or work so hard with my own hands in that place. Because as I stayed in the vertice (heavenlies) everything would fall into place on earth. And he was asking me trust Him, as I let go of the horizontal and cling to the verticle. Looking UP. Not to the side. But focusing on truth. On the Faith He had blessed me with so far and was continuing to bless me with. In that place He can fill my voids. I can endure the horizontal situations and allow them to press me and form me.

I'm tested a lot in Loving people that rub me the wrong way. I don't know how to Love everybody. That's truth. It's easy to Love those that Love me. But when there's a situation where someone does something to me or acts the opposite of Love toward me, things rise up in me. My desire is to Love them. To Love even my enemies. To even begin to break through to them with an unconditional Love. But I've gotta be tested and formed with sitiations. If I don't experience that, how will I ever learn to Love no matter what. They shape me and form me each time they happen. Making me more weak. But if I take it personal and forget what the Lord is trying to teach me, I will act out of the lie and out of a false reality. I will act out of voids.

Our breath is what we project out in our actions and speech. Which comes from what it is in our mind...what we bring into our mind. It says this in a book I read. That our breath "plants the land". We bring others into oneness with what's in us. Don't we want to produce Life and Love? True Life and Love. The kind that will never perish. The kind that can't be shaken. Uncondition Love. Let us protect our own land. So we can help others come to life. People are dead all around. Suffering. Struggling. Hurting. Hopeless. They need a touch from the greatest Lover of all. They need their earth rained on so it becomes full of green! We are here to to be consumed by the breath of God so we can breathe on others. We are here to GIVE. Not just to live unaware of the darkness on earth. But to becomes one with God to overcome it.

Let us rise up against our enemies...against God's enemies with the weapons He equipts up with. Let us meditate things that are "true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things". And let that resinate in us and become us.

Let us fight for LOVE! For Life for oursleves and others. That our heart would becomes pure. Full of compassion and true boldness in the Lord. Let us defeat principalities and strongholds that oppress all of us!

Amen.

To freedom!
MLB

I like your heart, 6/5/2011. Featuring Bill Johnson and Wade Taylor.

I like your heart, 6/5/2011. Featuring Bill Johnson and Wade Taylor.

These are some things I wrote down in my journal in the past two years. They have helped me immensely in this season, just by re-reading them and meditating on them. Especially when I'm distressed. The first set are by Bill Johnson and the second by Wade Taylor. These seeds are so powerful! I hope they produce fruit in your life and help you overcome anywhere the enemy is trying to push you down and keep you there. Because if we get up and stay up...he is overcome...and we now have power over him and can help others have power over him. He doesn't want that. He puts up a fight. But our God is greater! : )

Bill Johnson....

You and I will always reflect the nature we are most aware of. We will always eminate, wherever we go, we will always carry the fragrance of the world we are most aware of. (Peter's shadow healed people.) Your shadow will always release whatever overshadows you.

Any person, any single believer, from the strongest one who walks the planet to the weakest one...every person in capable of turning in fear if they feed their heart on the wrong stuff. If you dwell on the wrong things long enough, you will adopt a fear reaction.

The first temptation wasn't turning the stone to bread-it was to react out of fear because of not having a clear identity.

When a word comes to us-it must be tested.

Words must be tested for two reasons. You have to know that what was spoken over you was absoluetly true. And, you won't know the strength of a word until you see the strength of its opposition. Secondly, a promise is given that must be tested because your reward for receiving the promise must be based on you having an option.

The Lord doesn't bring you a promise that requires nothing from you.

He brings you a promise and then something happens in your life that contradicts your promise.

Why? The word of God has all of heaven behind it-unlimited power. God said reguardless of opposition, that word will be proven true and will be effective!

If I give my heart to the contradiction, the questions, the suspicions-if I fuel the questions with my authority, I will take that which is powerless, and it will gain such a significant power that it will undermind even the word of the Lord over my life.

He wants to release reward-but there's no reward without choice.

It's tempation to act out of insecurity and and fear to prove who you are.

If I give my attention to the challenge and I begin to question whether this is true (what God said) then I have lended my authority to that which has no power without me. God's word has all power. Satan's word, if you're the son of God, has no power. He can't create anything. There's no creative force in his words. His power is in you and me reacting to what he says or does with fear.

Then that which has no power has my deliagted authority and power. It now underminds the purpose of God in my life.

If we hear the Lord and hold to what He says reguardless of circumstances and we allow the Holy Spirit to affirm our identiy as children of God-then all the other temptations in life lose their bite. Because those who know who they are in God are not gonna lower themselves for something insignificant and self-destroying.

I can't afford to have a thought in my head about me that's not in His head about me.

The mind is only useful when it comes under the influence of the Spiritman. He wants to teach us how to think. He wantrs to teach us divine perspective.

The Lord is after your mind because your mind becomes the canvas that He paints on.

A renewed mind is one of the most valuable things. The renewing of the mind is not simply being able to quote a verse to address a specific problem. It is not that. It is a renewed mind that comes from a divine encounter. Any revelation from scripture that does not take me to the person of Jesus in divine encounter will only make me more religious. It will only equipt me to argue with people who disagree. What has to happen is that you and I, as we learn from the scriptures and we see what is saying...it is vital to us to say "ya know what? It's not good enough for me to have concept and the theory. I must have experience!"

Jesus is interested in changing culture. Not just getting bodies in chairs.

Somethings you can't get any other way then by being a soldier. It would be nice if we could just kinda coast and float our way into all the great breakthroughs of the kingdom. But it just doesn't happen that way. Some things only come because there is a taking by violence.

Faith doesn't come out of striving. It comes out of surrender.

We don't expand our awareness of God's presence through striving. We enlarge our awareness of God through rest.

Wade Taylor....

"Very often, the trials we go through are for the benefit of others. If we fail to recognize this, we may react and come short of becoming a vessel prepared to help others through their tribulation. We are only qualified to minister to others after we have been tested and proven to be faithful; otherwise our ministry will be harsh and vindictive."

"When we make a total commitment of our lives to the Lord and begin to seek the higher realms of God (being rather than doing), asking Him to move within us in anyway that he may desire, there will be an intense opposition from the enemy to our "waiting.

A warfare, or attack of the enemy will come against us to divert us whenever we begin to seek the Lord in earnest. All kind of thoughts or things to do will suddenly come into our mind. We must rise up in violence and both renounce and resist this attack.

The enemy knows the power that can flow through the life of the "one" who has been alone with the Lord and the effect it can have on those who witness the resultant glow upon their face. Therefore, he ever seeks to keep us from entering this place of intimacy with our Lord."

"The result of the manifest presence which we experience in our times of intimate communion with the Lord, will be seen by others. This will stir them to also seek a personal knowledge of Jesus."

"Once we have tasted the fruit of time spent waiting in the presence of the Lord, we will be satisfied with nothing less."

"The Lord is waiting for us. When we begin to trust Him and lay aside our attempts to work out our own destiny, and place it in His hand, He will bring us through. Then we will discover that what He has for us is far better than anything we could have arranged for ourselves."

"If I were to tell a 4 year old, "you are a baby", this child would become quite indignant and inform me that he is not a baby, but rather "big". Children ever long to be instantly grown, but this requires a fixed, pre-determined period of time. However, our rate of Spiritual growth is governed by a different law. This time can be shortened through our cooperation with the Lord, as He "works" together all things in ways that will enhance our Spiritual growth. The first phase of this law is a drastic reduction of us. We must set aside all ideas of our own spirituality and become as children. Ready to learn."

He picked up the pieces...

How hungry I was when I asked.
You to break my heart.
When I asked You to shatter it into pieces.
How hard parts of it felt.
How desperate I was for compassion to sit in the center of me.
True compassion.
How exposed I sat.
Looking at myself.
Looking at You.
How strong the Longing was.
To hold You close.
Touching.
Embracing.
Melting into each other.
Our breath One.
Hungry out of my mind.
For more.
Not satisfied.
Because I saw what could be.
Not settling.
Not compromising.
How easy it sometimes can be.
But I was hungry out of my mind.
And calling out.
To be broken.
To be soft.
To be strong.
Real strength.
That comes from my bones.
Those that hold me up.
Those that aren't seen.
Now here I stand looking down.
At my heart on the floor.
Broken into pieces.
Won't You help me pick them up?
And You answered "Don't touch them."
I looked up in question.
You continued "I will do it."
I saw the warmth in Your eyes.
The comfort in your gaze at me.
I saw the deep Love.
And I knew what You meant.
I knew it was the answer to my prayers.
That You would pick up the pieces.
And put them back together.
Intrictly, like You do.
Perfectly, like Your Love for me.
My pain evaporated in that moment.
The pain of a shattered heart.
The ache of a weary mind.
I saw You pick up my heart.
I saw you Love me.
I saw Hope.
You said "it's not over yet, my child."
"But if you remember the warmth in My eyes,
if you remember the comfort in My gaze,
you will find relief. You will find My Love.
You will find Strength. You will have Hope."
He grabbed my hand.
And as He grabbed my hand, I let go a little more.
I took another step forward.
I told Him how uncomfortable change is.
He told me about birth.
How beautiful it is yet so agonizing.
And we both smiled. And kept going.
Together.
"Thank You for Hope, Dad."

MLB

I love Your heart Jehovah Impossible!

I LOVE YOUR HEART, 4/11/11. Featuring Jehovah Impossible.

Happy Birthday to my friend and sister Taisha! I am so thankful for your life! I know how important and special you and your life is to God.

This is such a powerful witness of His Heart! Without Him, she wouldn't be here, period. Without Him, she wouldn't be in my life. And I can't imagine that.

Thank You Jehovah Impossible!

Written by witness and sister-in-law Michelle Martini (2007)
Taisha Hallman has been completely delivered from the “street lifestyle” and everything that goes along with it. She was in the critical care unit given a 20% chance of living. She was two hours away from death. She had a $700-a-day drug addiction to Oxy Contin, Roxy Contin and crack cocaine. She was shooting up for 2 years, had been on Oxy and Roxy Contin for 4 years, had smoked crack for two years, and was living on the streets of New Castle, Pennsylvania. She is 20 years old. She was in the hospital with a staph infection in her blood stream, Endocarditis (an enlarged heart), a staph infection collected in her knee, and an operation to scrape staph from both lungs. Chest tubes were inserted to drain the liquid from her lungs. On the day she was released to home care, she listened to about 10 minutes of the revelatory Word of God (”The Eyes to See” teaching by Prophet Mike Petro) and she made the decision to get the spirit of addiction out of her. She arrived at Forerunner Ministry church service in the middle of deep worship to the Messiah and immediately felt the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. She felt a burning through her body and at that moment, Prophet Mike declared the Lord was going to bring His Healing. Taisha was touched by the Holy Spirit and there were three spirits that had manifested in her belly which immediately left under the AWESOME AUTHORITY OF the Lord Jesus Christ.
She has been completely delivered from street drugs, cigarettes, and the “street lifestyle.” The doctors had run tests on her heart and it is back to its normal size and working the way it should. They were amazed that her heart had healed so quickly. Praise God! His revelation brings true healing and true FREEDOM to His children. Taisha has received a prophetic word that she will be going into the nations to declare God’s glory and show His Mighty power to people all over the world.

I like your heart, 4/10/11

I like your heart: food for thought, 4/10/11. Featuring Jimmie Altman.

LORD send-your rain, wash away the-lies/
Uncover our ref-uge, remove the veil from our-eyes/
Expose all of our idols, break the soul ties/
Make us your-disciples, let your son-rise/ into our
Hearts, breaking the dark-ness, king of glory/
How could I ever stumble, if I keep you before me/
And behind me guarding my rear, your glory is my defense/
I hum-ble myself and You keep my mind in suspense/
Ex-piating the things that seem to go a-gainst/
The kingdom of the light and our king is so immense/
The wise brought Him gold and myrhh plus frankincense/
And now I’m convinced, because what He did, He lives, so we may exist/
The gist of this redemption was captured when Abraham/
Was ready kill his son, but Jehovah gave up the lamb/
A ram caught in a thicket, a Man scarred four sickness/
Boar our sins in His body, this is more than conviction/
This His loving-kindness, healer of all addictions/
I lose my mind for your glory, LORD send me out as your witness/
Please get this…