You know how you can see the sunshine shining on everything around you? You can feel it shining on yourself? And the sunshine is something you never really forget. Not even on cloudy says. Because you know it's behind the clouds. You remember what it looks and feels like. And you know it's constant. It never stays hidden.
Gosh, I have inherited so many of my mother's qualities. So much that I can feel them in me when I'm quiet and when I think of them. It's really a beautiful thing how much your eyes open with time and age. What my eyesight has become is so precious to me. And I treasure it. Thank God for it, really. I see my mom. How deep and strong she loves; has loved. How it hurts sometimes.
Especially with her children.
I saw the way she shined on my brother and sister. I felt the way her warm light blanketed me. Somehow I took on her love she had for both my siblings. And it is deep and oh so strong. It transferred right into me. Starting at 6 years old. I loved them right away and it's only grown since then. And it's also changed.
My little love, that is not so little anymore (27 to be exact) had a birthday last week. And alls I could think about was how much things have changed. How she has changed, how my love for her has changed, how OUR love has changed.
She's a women now. As she started to reach adulthood, it killed me. I held on to that little girl that my heart melted over; again and again and again. I didn't want to except her growth. Nostalgia consumed me. I wanted to stop time. I wanted to go back. I wanted to love her again in her early years. I wanted to go back as me now, and experience her again. Which is so highly unrealistic.
I think maybe I didn't know how to love the adult Janine. I didn't know how to be her big sister when SHE was getting big. But the most beautiful thing happened. My eyes for her changed and the love I have for her transformed into something new.
I started to see her as a women. Not as a little girl. I started to see her absolute beauty! Who she was becoming. And I started to adore the adult Janine. Wanting to be near her. Spending time with this new person. This chaser after dreams, this graduate, this nurse, this wife and now this mother. This daughter, this granddaughter, this niece, this cousin, this co-worker, this friend....this sister. This hard worker. This goal setter. This sensitive lover. This trier of things new. This trier of keeping it all together. This caregiver of family members and patients. This determined woman. This persevering woman. This gentle woman. This family oriented woman. This home loving woman. This grown up sister that loves me back.
And so my love changed. To more solid than squishy. To more mature. To more selfless. Now that we are both adults, there have been times in our relationship where I saw some internal ugliness in myself. So instead of trying to protect her from the world, I started to fight to protect her from my "self". Which can come from offense or misunderstanding or insecurity or differences.
Our adult relationship has taught me a lot about a new love. A love that turns it's back on selfishness and feeling like you have a right and assuming and taking things personal. A love that just wants to love and be close to her. A love that is thankful all the time for the growth. A love that won't let anything get in the way.
So on her 27th birthday, I want this to be in honor of HER! The adult her. The transformed her. To a transformed love! And a transformed US!
To my butterfly! The life that changed mine 27 years ago! The life that continues to change mine year after year! The life that I've taught. The life that teaches me. The life that I love so much! And the life that loves me!
Happy birthday beautiful sister! May the sun shine bright on you always! And may you shine bright wherever you are!
-M
Gosh, I have inherited so many of my mother's qualities. So much that I can feel them in me when I'm quiet and when I think of them. It's really a beautiful thing how much your eyes open with time and age. What my eyesight has become is so precious to me. And I treasure it. Thank God for it, really. I see my mom. How deep and strong she loves; has loved. How it hurts sometimes.
Especially with her children.
I saw the way she shined on my brother and sister. I felt the way her warm light blanketed me. Somehow I took on her love she had for both my siblings. And it is deep and oh so strong. It transferred right into me. Starting at 6 years old. I loved them right away and it's only grown since then. And it's also changed.
My little love, that is not so little anymore (27 to be exact) had a birthday last week. And alls I could think about was how much things have changed. How she has changed, how my love for her has changed, how OUR love has changed.
She's a women now. As she started to reach adulthood, it killed me. I held on to that little girl that my heart melted over; again and again and again. I didn't want to except her growth. Nostalgia consumed me. I wanted to stop time. I wanted to go back. I wanted to love her again in her early years. I wanted to go back as me now, and experience her again. Which is so highly unrealistic.
I think maybe I didn't know how to love the adult Janine. I didn't know how to be her big sister when SHE was getting big. But the most beautiful thing happened. My eyes for her changed and the love I have for her transformed into something new.
I started to see her as a women. Not as a little girl. I started to see her absolute beauty! Who she was becoming. And I started to adore the adult Janine. Wanting to be near her. Spending time with this new person. This chaser after dreams, this graduate, this nurse, this wife and now this mother. This daughter, this granddaughter, this niece, this cousin, this co-worker, this friend....this sister. This hard worker. This goal setter. This sensitive lover. This trier of things new. This trier of keeping it all together. This caregiver of family members and patients. This determined woman. This persevering woman. This gentle woman. This family oriented woman. This home loving woman. This grown up sister that loves me back.
And so my love changed. To more solid than squishy. To more mature. To more selfless. Now that we are both adults, there have been times in our relationship where I saw some internal ugliness in myself. So instead of trying to protect her from the world, I started to fight to protect her from my "self". Which can come from offense or misunderstanding or insecurity or differences.
Our adult relationship has taught me a lot about a new love. A love that turns it's back on selfishness and feeling like you have a right and assuming and taking things personal. A love that just wants to love and be close to her. A love that is thankful all the time for the growth. A love that won't let anything get in the way.
So on her 27th birthday, I want this to be in honor of HER! The adult her. The transformed her. To a transformed love! And a transformed US!
To my butterfly! The life that changed mine 27 years ago! The life that continues to change mine year after year! The life that I've taught. The life that teaches me. The life that I love so much! And the life that loves me!
Happy birthday beautiful sister! May the sun shine bright on you always! And may you shine bright wherever you are!
-M
