Meet me here.

Journal entry.

Can I meet you here? At the end of myself. In the midst of this battle. The condemning and the shame. And the work. So hard on myself. The striving to get it right. To please You. Can I meet You here-where I don't want to go on like this. Looking at me, like this. At You, like this. You really didn't get angry at them for their fruit in the end-but mostly for not believing You. Not believing You'd go with them. Not believing in the victory. Did they want You? Did they not want to go up where the glory was? To see You? I don't understand. They couldn't change their own perspective- so how could it have gone differently? Was it their focus? Their hearts' desires? God, I don't want to go back to Egypt where I'll be without You. I don't ever want You to leave me- You're my life source. Without You I am nothing- life is nothing. I don't want to lose focus or lose You. I don't want unbelief. Doubt. I don't know how to fully step over. Complete belief. I know the other is killing me. It's confusion and torment. Tossed by waves. Would You meet me here where I come uncovered. Scared. Filthy. Confused. Ashamed. Weak. Tired. Striving. Prideful. Fearful. Places of unbelief and misunderstanding. Anger. Judge-mental. Selfish. Unworthy of You, it seems. I don't understand Your love-would You please meet me here? I don't want it to be my works. Manipulation is to work with our own hands. Control. Please know, underneath my broken, corrupt heart- I want it all to be Your Holy Spirit working in me. And through me. Not my own mind- but Yours. And I know I need Your Spirit for that. Would You meet me here and reveal Your truth to me. As I bring myself as an offering at Your feet. Where I need Your hand to breakthrough my chest and tenderly hold my heart. Meet me where I feel like You don't want me. Because I see my sin and motives and man pleasing spirit. And I know You see it too! Acts, decisions, words that come out of me. And so I don't believe. That YOU love ME. Please meet me here where I exhale all these things. I need to know Your love- really know it. Or my words are empty. Confused hope for someone else. Meet me here where I confess that I need Your love so badly. To wash over me. Here, where I want to believe, that is what You want. That You're not fed up or sick of me. But that You're dying to love me. You're dying to meet me here. Where I bring my filthy rags. And that You love me right where I'm at. Not for what I do. But that I'm empowered by Your love to do Your will and produce Your fruit. I need to know that You love this heart. But despise the sin. The sin that I can separate myself from. That, I don't have to consider it me. That it's the sin You don't love- so we don't have to be afraid to let it be exposed. We don't have to protect it. Meet me here where I lay at Your feet. And reveal to me the cross and the blood that makes me white as snow. Reveal to me what it meant that Jesus already took the punishment for the filthy sin that I despise. The sin that keeps me from drawing near to You. Help me to come to the cross. Where I can be washed. Emptied. And set on fire for You. Burning with  your Holy Love. The love that drove Jesus to Calvary and the love that made Him a willing lamb. Knowing and believing in the resurrection. In the Promise Land. Believing that You, go with Him- not to be afraid to die. To be a sacrifice. God, I'm afraid to sacrifice it all. Afraid to die- to let my selfishness and flesh go. Afraid to give up trying to control out of fear. Not trusting an believing that You won't forsake me. That trusting is much better than what I'm holding onto to. Would You loosen my fingers. This often tight grip. Nudge me into battle. It is Your love that makes me like Brave, David. Not afraid of the enemy and the armies that wanted to destroy him and now me. Your love drives me into the fight, confident of the win. Your love tells me that each time we go together there is new deliverance. There are so many areas where "ites" occupy my land. And I just need a spy to tell me that we are well able to overcome because You go with us. I'm tired of feeling like a grasshopper, because I think it has to be off my own strength. What I really don't believe is that You still love me. Sometimes I'm afraid to go because I'm afraid You left me. Please meet me here where my hands are up and my eyes are closed tight and I'm crying out. Willing for You to expose all idols. Keep me here. Don't let me run thinking You'll abandon me. How can I ever be pleasing if I don't come. Raw. And let You love this broken heart. End.

You know, I'm not so sure David was always speaking naturally when he wrote his psalms.

TLH

Prayer, precious women, and the IF Gathering

I don't think one can really be fully prepared for something God wants to do. And it certainly doesn't have to be "work". I just really want us to lift this event up to God for this very reason; we can't hold it up. There's precious lives saying "yes" to the IF Gathering. To our IF Gathering. God, I feel like precious is an understatement. And so my heart is bursting at the seems in a cry out to God, "Help us! Guide us! Speak to us! Move! Heal! Restore! Pour out! Give us the strength! BE this! We need you." Because there's precious woman saying yes to gather on Your behalf!

I'm longing for this to be something, LORD. Not for any other reason than this;  precious woman are saying yes and we can all use a touch from You. We can all use a place to go where we can empty ourselves and then get filled back up. Where other woman wrap around us. A safe place where we can fight the good fight, together. The fight to take masks off and let our walls come down. To let You in just a little more. To let others in, just a little. God, I'm dying for unity within your body. Between women. Because you see how hard it is down here. To be our raw selves. To not compare and compete. You see us wanting significance and acceptance. Holding our brokenness in. Covering it. Protecting the places where we feel we finally have it together. You see us loathing our insecurities and believing the lies of inadequacy. Sometimes we struggle joining hands because our fists our up. Not always ready to fight. But mostly ready to protect ourselves from another blow. We become accustomed to defense. Some of us so fed up we started to play offense.

And so, we just. need. You. To remind us how precious we are. Nothing like we see ourselves or each other. But how YOU see us. We need a renewing. A refreshing. To feel YOUR love. To be pierced with YOUR Truth. We need to see You. We need to know You. This year, the IF focus is Faith. And God, you know how much we need it. How desperate we are for You to show us who You are and who WE are and actually BELIEVE it. And THAT be what we protect. So that we can break out of the oppression women sometimes lay weighty, under. Like we're hatching out of an egg. New life. Cracks of Light. A type of FREEDOM. To be everything YOU made us to be. So we can break out and Love the world with Your agape Love. So we can look a little more like you. And not like what we're trying to make ourselves into, because the earth was without form and VOID. We were meant to be formed and our voids were meant to be filled. Just not by what we sometimes think. We were meant to be formed by YOU and our voids were meant to filled by YOU. So, God....LET THERE BE LIGHT!

Sisters, join me in praying for our upcoming IF Gathering.
LORD, bless my precious, precious sisters.

I cry out...
This Luna's Heart

A letter to my husband on his 30th birthday

Sometimes I ache for the years I didn’t have you. But, every
day I am thankful for those days and how they shaped you into who you are now.
I feel like I get the best of you. I get what all those years made you into.
All the hurt. All the joy. All the trials. All the great times. All the
sadness. All the love you felt. All the things you held onto. All... the things
you let go of. All the falls. All the victories. All the growth. All the
prayers your mom prayed. All the cries you made to God. All the shaping and molding.
The very hand of God. The way He watched you as a boy, longing for you. The way
he drew you and rescued you. The way He loved you through it all. Reaching His
arm out to you. You desperately reaching yours to His. The need. The want. The
times you felt like you couldn’t go on. The times like you felt like you didn’t
know how. You’re so beautiful. Your smile. Your laugh. Your sense of
humor. Your heart. The way you long for
goodness. For Light. For Love. For Grace. Your humility. The way you’re not
afraid to admit when you’re wrong. The way you’re not afraid to lay your pride
on the table. The way you’re determined to defeat sin. You’re willingness. Your
effort. The way you just keep going. The way you keep reaching. I adore your heart for
family and friends. For connection. And truth. And intimacy. The way your
honest. Bridled at times for the sake of love. I love the way you wear music.
It looks so good on you. Your passion for it. To work on it. To make it. To
hear it. To feel it. I love your whit. I love how smart you are. How you know
how to fix a car and sew a button. How you have tool box and a sewing kit.
The way you like to figure things out. And you do.
I love your 30 old hands. Your 30 year old face. Your 30 year old heart. Your 30
year old lips. I love how much God wants to love you, still. At 30 years old
and forever after that. I love how He wants you to be honored and respected and
uplifted. How He wants to keep shaping you and growing you. And how now, I can
be a part of that. I can watch you in His hands. I can be in His hands with you. BE parts of His body with you.
Becoming one with this beautiful life. This beautiful man. It’s an honor to
watch this. To be a part of this. To love you. To honor you. To die for you
every day. I’ve loved you for a thousand years. I love you right now at 30.
And I’ll love you for a thousand more!

I’m so thankful for your life. It has completely changed
mine.

The other half of you.

-M