Foreward:
I'm taking a risk by making this journal entry public. But I know when I read about people in a raw and vulnerable state, it helps me. Because I feel and remember that I'm not alone. I totally appreciate nakedness, but I also feel like you have to be cautious and wise about it. I choose to share this particular entry because if I read this about someone, it would give me hope. So, I hope that you won't see a depressed woman, but someone that is trying to find her place in this world while walking with her heavenly Father. Walking through struggles that feel like your walking through an active platoon. Walking through mud at times. Thick mud. But I know it's not the end. It's just on the way. And great lessons can be learned from the worst most despairing times in our lives. I cling to that as much as I can. Sometimes I feel like the enemy has this vendetta against me. This plan to destroy me. He attacks from every angle. Hating me. And...it could be true. But then, I have to remember that my Father is greater than Him. And He lets certain things go. He lifts the hedge even in His Love for me, because it is His Love for me. And His Love for everyone else too. Because if He can press me and form me and humiliate me and teach me unconditional, selfless Love through trials, then lifting that hedge is a must! I fight it sometimes because it hurts. I'm trying to learn how to wave my white flag. Not making friends with the enemy, but learning to use him to my advantage. I'm learning how to trust Him. But that hurts too. Because we so desperately want to control our own lives. And we can, but it's much easier to just go with the older ox, then pull against Him. There's rest in that. I can't wait to be able to fully do that. Just jumping off the extremely high cliff. Free falling. Not scared at all. Embracing the wind hitting my body as I descend. And then there He is. Just in time to catch me. And then we fly up into the sky together. It's such a beautiful thought. It's those thoughts that I wish consumed my mind more. Part of the surrender. Letting go of my thoughts...breaking a dam and letting His water rush into my head. I believe it's coming and I'm on my way. So remember that as you continue to read....
9/10/11
Good thoughts? Maybe not so. What feels like real thoughts and feelings-more than likely.
I liked feeling blah the other day. It felt a lot like peace and a lot like letting go. Today I feel waves crashing in me. Not constant. They come like a tropical storm, then they die down and then repeat. Today I feel rather cloudy. I'm walking around in all this beauty-under blue skies and luke warm breezes that feel cool compared to the sun's heat. Trees and flowers and grass of all sorts. Away from "civilization". From everything chaotic. Only to find that I can't run from it when it's in me. Thoughts clenching my mind. Tight. I want blue skies and luke warm breezes inside me. Instead it's chaos. Worry, fear and anxiety. Things I try to ignore. But they are such nags!! And if I even glance at them-I open a door. They're invited without being invited. I hate them and what they do to me. I hate how they make me dysfunctional. Keeping me from true goodness. They hate me. And want to destroy me from the inside out. Like a cancer. But, it's in my mind. Eating at it. All the goodness. My breath feels short. It even takes that away. It wears me out and it wears me down. It's so horrible! How something can hate and not Love. Desire death upon a soul and not Life. I believe I'm more than this. That freedom exists. That everything that seems so big to me is probably so, so little to You. There's giants in the land. I want to fight them courageously without mistakenly doing this exhausting work to please You. You say only Faith pleases you. Living out of that. And I totally see why. I'm probably bound by the law. In a way, I feel it. Verses living in Faith. I feel like I have to do the law to get where I'm supposed to be going. I'm not really letting You transform me. I don't know how. I try to position myself so that I can let You in-but I feel like I always fail. And that is part of the chaos. Trying to figure this out. And then even that gets in the way-I feel like. I miss You! When I wasn't trying to work so hard. You were just there. We just were. We were moving. Things were happening without me trying. Now I feel like every thing is in our way. Everywhere I turn, it's something. If it's not one thing, it's another. How can this be? What can separate a daughter and her Father? The Love between them-His Love for her. If I only knew the capacity of your Love for me. Like I know it and feel it from certain people. That tangible. I want to inhale and acknowledge the intensity of It. Your desire and benevolence for me. In more than knowledge. Experiencing it apart from my natural five sense. Being more open to it. Not closed from this heaping pile that sometimes sits upon me. Like a garbage dump. Not the God in the Old Testament that feels so far away. Like there's so much distance between us. But a Father that Loves me crazy. Not a God that demands I hurry and walk straight or I'll be utterly destroyed. It gives me anxiety.
End.
Afterward:
I know that's a lot. But it's my heart undressed. It is what it is. Part of this whole experience of the Spiritual Realm. Trying to tap into that. And live there. In my mind. And not allowing the natural to rule over me. Remember when I said "everywhere I turn?" There's an answer to that even though it wasn't a question. If I can begin to let go of whats around me...being consumed by it....situations and certain things in me and what not....and just look up.....that's my way out. But it's all about trust here. I'm sure you can see. COMPLETELY putting my life in His hands and not my own. Trusting every thing He has ever said to me. Then everything else will quiet down. And the next time I look around, He will have taken care of everything. Because I let go and trusted and took my own hands off.
I'm learning.
From the best Teacher in existence.
Hope floats...
MLB
I'm taking a risk by making this journal entry public. But I know when I read about people in a raw and vulnerable state, it helps me. Because I feel and remember that I'm not alone. I totally appreciate nakedness, but I also feel like you have to be cautious and wise about it. I choose to share this particular entry because if I read this about someone, it would give me hope. So, I hope that you won't see a depressed woman, but someone that is trying to find her place in this world while walking with her heavenly Father. Walking through struggles that feel like your walking through an active platoon. Walking through mud at times. Thick mud. But I know it's not the end. It's just on the way. And great lessons can be learned from the worst most despairing times in our lives. I cling to that as much as I can. Sometimes I feel like the enemy has this vendetta against me. This plan to destroy me. He attacks from every angle. Hating me. And...it could be true. But then, I have to remember that my Father is greater than Him. And He lets certain things go. He lifts the hedge even in His Love for me, because it is His Love for me. And His Love for everyone else too. Because if He can press me and form me and humiliate me and teach me unconditional, selfless Love through trials, then lifting that hedge is a must! I fight it sometimes because it hurts. I'm trying to learn how to wave my white flag. Not making friends with the enemy, but learning to use him to my advantage. I'm learning how to trust Him. But that hurts too. Because we so desperately want to control our own lives. And we can, but it's much easier to just go with the older ox, then pull against Him. There's rest in that. I can't wait to be able to fully do that. Just jumping off the extremely high cliff. Free falling. Not scared at all. Embracing the wind hitting my body as I descend. And then there He is. Just in time to catch me. And then we fly up into the sky together. It's such a beautiful thought. It's those thoughts that I wish consumed my mind more. Part of the surrender. Letting go of my thoughts...breaking a dam and letting His water rush into my head. I believe it's coming and I'm on my way. So remember that as you continue to read....
9/10/11
Good thoughts? Maybe not so. What feels like real thoughts and feelings-more than likely.
I liked feeling blah the other day. It felt a lot like peace and a lot like letting go. Today I feel waves crashing in me. Not constant. They come like a tropical storm, then they die down and then repeat. Today I feel rather cloudy. I'm walking around in all this beauty-under blue skies and luke warm breezes that feel cool compared to the sun's heat. Trees and flowers and grass of all sorts. Away from "civilization". From everything chaotic. Only to find that I can't run from it when it's in me. Thoughts clenching my mind. Tight. I want blue skies and luke warm breezes inside me. Instead it's chaos. Worry, fear and anxiety. Things I try to ignore. But they are such nags!! And if I even glance at them-I open a door. They're invited without being invited. I hate them and what they do to me. I hate how they make me dysfunctional. Keeping me from true goodness. They hate me. And want to destroy me from the inside out. Like a cancer. But, it's in my mind. Eating at it. All the goodness. My breath feels short. It even takes that away. It wears me out and it wears me down. It's so horrible! How something can hate and not Love. Desire death upon a soul and not Life. I believe I'm more than this. That freedom exists. That everything that seems so big to me is probably so, so little to You. There's giants in the land. I want to fight them courageously without mistakenly doing this exhausting work to please You. You say only Faith pleases you. Living out of that. And I totally see why. I'm probably bound by the law. In a way, I feel it. Verses living in Faith. I feel like I have to do the law to get where I'm supposed to be going. I'm not really letting You transform me. I don't know how. I try to position myself so that I can let You in-but I feel like I always fail. And that is part of the chaos. Trying to figure this out. And then even that gets in the way-I feel like. I miss You! When I wasn't trying to work so hard. You were just there. We just were. We were moving. Things were happening without me trying. Now I feel like every thing is in our way. Everywhere I turn, it's something. If it's not one thing, it's another. How can this be? What can separate a daughter and her Father? The Love between them-His Love for her. If I only knew the capacity of your Love for me. Like I know it and feel it from certain people. That tangible. I want to inhale and acknowledge the intensity of It. Your desire and benevolence for me. In more than knowledge. Experiencing it apart from my natural five sense. Being more open to it. Not closed from this heaping pile that sometimes sits upon me. Like a garbage dump. Not the God in the Old Testament that feels so far away. Like there's so much distance between us. But a Father that Loves me crazy. Not a God that demands I hurry and walk straight or I'll be utterly destroyed. It gives me anxiety.
End.
Afterward:
I know that's a lot. But it's my heart undressed. It is what it is. Part of this whole experience of the Spiritual Realm. Trying to tap into that. And live there. In my mind. And not allowing the natural to rule over me. Remember when I said "everywhere I turn?" There's an answer to that even though it wasn't a question. If I can begin to let go of whats around me...being consumed by it....situations and certain things in me and what not....and just look up.....that's my way out. But it's all about trust here. I'm sure you can see. COMPLETELY putting my life in His hands and not my own. Trusting every thing He has ever said to me. Then everything else will quiet down. And the next time I look around, He will have taken care of everything. Because I let go and trusted and took my own hands off.
I'm learning.
From the best Teacher in existence.
Hope floats...
MLB
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