I found her in prison...

I wanna know me. I wanna go deeper. Beyond layers. Beyond fear. I really wanna get my hands in the dirt. I want to face the good and the bad in a greater way. I want to calm the outside of me for a time and really listen to the inside. I wanna put my ear on my own chest. I wanna know why she loves, why she fears, why she holds on, why she lets go. I wanna know why she fights and why she surrenders. I wanna know why that's easy and why that's hard. Not an introvert. Not an analytic. But some kind of explorer. Not looking out of panic. "Where is it??!!!" Just a longing to go deeper. To break the surface. A calling from within. Whispering to me....telling me there's more. It's so loud up here. It's so busy. There's a line I'm trying to find. Between suppression and not allowing certain things to invade my mind. But I know if I can quiet the loudness and calm the business, I'll find the line. Maybe I'll even draw it. I just want to know. I just want to face her. And love her better. Even when she is unlovable. Even when I find things down there in the depths that I don't like. I want to learn how to be more gentle. I've been so hard on her. She might even have more scars from me then she does from others. Maybe I need to repent for how I've treated her all this time. Someone that God Loves so much. And she knows it. But when will she begin to accept it. Maybe when I begin to stop abusing her with my thoughts. With condemnation. With false humiliation. With pressure to be perfect faster than she is capable of. How can she get up without the acceptance of His Love. How can she accept it when condemnation is beating on her. And false humiliation taunts her. Who is actually pride in disguise. How can she be "perfect" which is really "mature" without His Love? What has this turned into? A reality. That she is behind bars. And she wants to come out of prison. Didn't you know? That I put her there. That I punish her. I guess we are going deeper aren't we? I know where to start. I laid my ear on my chest. And I heard her. She wants out of prison. And I am the only one with the keys. Things will start to change as I start to change the way I treat her. As I go down with the keys and release her. She needs my love. I need to learn how to give it to her. This isn't selfish. Because how can one even begin to love others and treat others well if they don't even love themselves? So if I love others, I'll start to love me. Hard truth. But it's time to be raw.

Yours truly,
MLB