Guilt, wounds and redemption.

This is going to be lengthy and rather heavy. 

This has been something that has been making an impression inside me for awhile now. But is increasing as time keeps crawling in my life. It's something Jesus is trying to change in me and I believe it's something He wants us all to think about. For the sake of exposing The Prosecutor and shedding light on Himself as the Defense Attorney.

I write this from both sides of the line. So please understand that I'm not writing it from one side pointing at the other.

Wounded by The Prosecutor:
We've all been misinterpreted and misunderstood. In my case I've let those two things stick to me. So much that I draw back from God and draw back from grabbing my life and running with it...as an attempt to avoid certain things. Or should I say, certain blows. Which is horrible, I know. But I'm REALLY working on it. It's something I have to let go of, because it really gives man control over me...in a way that I walk on eggshells...fearing the next blow. I'm afraid to look ahead because I'm scared it's going to look like I don't care or that I'm "selfish". But let me tell you from experience...it is worth the risk. Because walking on eggshells is suffocating and really oppresses depths. I fear the pain of the blow. One of my hearts deepest longings is to not be selfish. And to care with everything in me. So when an attack comes to those areas, it hurts so bad. Agonizing actually. BUT that comes from the depths of caring too much in the wrong way.

A liberating reality:
The reality is (and a reality I am loving facing in this season): I'm not perfect. I'm gonna slip up. I'm gonna fall. I'm going to make wrong decisions. I'm going to react and act imperfectly. These expectations ARE CHAINS! Not just expectations from other people, but expectations I/we put on myself/ourselves. I don't give myself a break. I'm not easy on my self at all. And it's not right. It's not right for us to be hard on ourselves.

The ONLY expectation any of us needs to "care" about is God's.

Be easy:
A lot of times we fail to have true empathy on ourselves (yes, ourselves) and other people. We don't stop, take a step back and glance at EVERYTHING. The majority of the time, we (ourselves) or the people we give a blow to, are already down. And we do NOTHING for us/them. (FOR us/them.) We are nothing but a bully. I'm gonna be real...it has happened to me, AND I've done it. To myself and others. It's horrible and it's something we should all work on. If you're reading this and instantly stepping on the side of the victim, I ask you to widen your eyesight. And look, and see if you might have crossed the line too. We point the finger SO much. (At each other AND at ourselves.) And I'm here to tell you, that is an accusing spirit. And the accuser is Satan. Before you get offended, hear me on this: I'm writing this for the sake of freedom. To expose him, not you! Not to point the finger at you, it's to point the finger at him. Am I writing this to any one specifically? NO. But if it is speaking to you, then unconsciously, I am. We need to set others AND ourselves free from this. We don't just bully others. We bully ourselves too.

Let me paint this picture for you....
The Courtroom:
Let's think of a courtroom. There are 4 VERY important people ALWAYS present. (1)The Judge. (2)The Persecutor. (3)The Defense Attorney. (4)And the person on trial (the defendant). The Judge is THE ONLY one that has the power to sentence the one on trial. He has the power. He knows "the law" and sits through the trial and listens... balancing what is brought before Him on one side and the law on the other. In our case...our Judge IS the law. The living spiritual law. He is our Creator and our God. He holds EVERYTHING in His hands. He sees everything and He knows everything. He is a Father that loves us. (In that case He also chastises His children. But ONLY because HE LOVES US.)

We also have the Persecutor(the accuser) and the Defense Attorney(the intercessor). It's safe to say that, The Persecutor is Satan and the Defense Attorney is Jesus. The Persecutor brings accusations against The Defendant with the intention of The Defendant getting some form of "punishment".  Mainly, putting them behind bars. The Persecutor's intention is for the defendant to pay for what they did. A Persecutor and a Complainant are the same. The definition of a Complainant is this:
"A prosecutor; one who prosecutes by complaint, or commences a legal process against an offender for the recovery of a right or penalty." That is the exact opposite of forgiveness. If you think about forgiveness financially, you are not "forgiven" after you have paid off all your money. You are forgiven WHILE YOU ARE STILL IN DEBT. You still owe money, and forgiveness wipes it away. Which brings us to number (3) The Defense Attorney. The one who is in the courtroom to plead for us before the Judge. The one that stands between the Judge and us crying out for our forgiveness...FOR OUR LIFE. "Please have mercy on their soul, Father!" NOT SELFISH AT ALL. It's not about Him at all. It's ALL about the defendant. The Persecutor is focused on the wrong that has been done. "Look what they did!" "Throw them in jail!" That's probably not what we say, but we might as well. One of the words in the definition of Accuser or Persecutor is SLANDER. It's "wagging the tongue". It's anything we say about ourselves and others to slander us/them. To tear them down. It could be mild. It could be extremely harsh. When it comes to others, it could be to their face or behind their back. Either way, it's slander. And the only thing that comes from that is MORE DAMAGE. Bad breath. Death. Seeds of darkness.

This brings me back to the Judge. I want to share with you the definition of the word Judge in the Hebrew: "The ancient Hebrew concept of a "judge" is one who restores life. The goal of one that rules or judges is to bring a pleasant and righteous life to the people. This can also mean a deliverer as one whom restores life to his people."

The whole Bible was written from Hebrew Concept. How far have we gotten away from this? Even if we are guilty in the Courtroom, it is not The Judge's heart to "punish us" or put us behind bars. If we are guilty, we already are behind bars. We already are in a form of punishment. Whatever we are guilty of is something standing between us and God. That is enough punishment. What more punishment do we need? Punishment would be having to stay in that place. It's not His desire to be a part from us. So He is there to REMOVE what stands between us. By giving us what we NEED. What our soul needs. He gives us Jesus. "TURN TO ME" He says. "And you will be delivered." The word CHASTISEMENT, means TO TURN. "You are guilty of this...now turn to ME and I will Love you and take away what the Accuser accuses you of." It's not to destroy us or damage us more. It's to lift us up. When the verdict comes, we then have the option to turn, or stay in our guilt/punishment.

It's a process...it's a learning experience...:
OF COURSE we are guilty sometimes. We are ADAM. We are MAN. We first come to Him filthy. Guilty. But that is what He is there for. To forgive us. By His Son's blood. To clean us up. We can't make ourselves right. We have to step into His Love and into His will and allow HIM to make us right. I'm not saying it's right to harm others with accusations. But if we have, we have access to be forgiven! And if we've been wounded, we have access to forgive and to be healed.

So, we are going to have to ENDURE. ENDURE the process. ENDURE the time on trial. ENDURE surrendering ourselves. KNOWING what it's for. There will come a time when we will thank the Accuser. "Thank you for taking part in cleaning me up!" But that can only come, when we KNOW who really is FOR us. When we can understand the Courtroom.

As we understand this, we can take it easy on ourselves and on each other. Giving ourselves and them a little break. Desiring ourselves and them to have time for the process and to have LIFE. To have freedom, healing, deliverance, and a relationship with The One that Loves us/them the most. We can stop pointing the finger. And focus on what's going on between ourselves, The Defense Attorney and The Judge.

The kids open my eyes:
Wanna know where some of this came from? For years, it has been hitting me at school. The kids ALWAYS tell on each other. And I always tell them: "Don't worry about what _______ is doing, worry about yourself. Just make sure you are being good and I'll worry about them." Is this not us?? Taking each other before the Judge. Always worrying about where others are off. NOT for the sake of being an advocate for them. But for the sake of pointing the finger at them. Focusing on the wrong. All the while, we need a good cleaning ourselves. (I'm guilty of this too!) If we all just got lost in His eyes and let go of everything else. Let go of all those other cares. Ignoring that accusing spirit in us and around....and letting go into His Love and Chastisement.....we'd all be cleaned up and linked together.

We are so good at condemning ourselves and others. So good at playing "The Judge" to ourselves and others. Wounding ourselves and others more than they already are. Let's get good at reaching our arms UP to our Beautiful Father. Getting right with The One that matters. Letting Him be The Judge. Trusting Him. Turning to Him. Falling in Love with Him. Truly Loving ourselves. And developing the ability to really Love others and have compassion on them. Stepping on our wickedness. Not compromising. Not allowing it to have any power. Because we know, it's not what God wants. Exchanging the power wickedness has, for His power. Giving it ALL to Him. Our cares, our unforgiveness, our self-hatred.....everything. Surrendering any right we feel like we have. In exchange for Him. And ALL He has for us. And ALL He has for us to pour out on others.

I'm guilty. And I'm wounded. And I believe He wants us to know it's ok. Of course we aren't completely like Him. Of course we have accused and been wounded. But WE HAVE ACCESS. To have our guilt forgiven and our wounds healed. We have access to know forgiveness like He does. We have access to freedom from condemnation. Freedom from caring about what the accuser thinks about us. We have access to a process. To LIFE. We CAN let go. We have access to surrender all. To make an exchange.

I pray for freedom. And for ALL blocks to be removed from between us and Him. So that we know His Love. I pray for abandonment. Abandoning ourselves. And letting that be an offering to Him. So we can, in turn, receive HIS HEART, HIS MIND and HIS WAYS.

I cry out for His Kingdom. I pray that we all crown You as our KING Father.

For all the guilty and all the wounded...

Here's to the Redeemer!
MLB

10 year reunion. And time...

I've been hesitant to write this. And debating back and forth with myself whether I should or not. But, why not? It's on my heart so why wrestle with doubt?

Tomorrow is my 10 year class reunion. Wow. I'm amazed and really can't believe that much "time" has gone by. It's like time just hastens and picks us up and carries us. And before we know it we are somewhere, and we stand there looking back at all that has gone by while time was carrying us. Time aged us. Time made us different. Time took us through joy but also took us through hardship. Time brought upon laughter but also brought upon sadness. Regardless of what time carried us through, we are not the same as we were before time picked us up and ran.

Of course there are things that stay the same. Who we are doesn't change. Our essence and our depths are always sitting there underneath everything. But there's something about maturity and the way time matures us. There's something about the years we spent as immature, trying to figure things out. Trying to fit in. Trying to find who we really are. Trying to fill voids, find acceptance and significance. There's something about immaturity that can be real ugly. But there's something about it, that when you look back, you can see the beauty of the process. Like a garden. You can watch the process of it. During certain times, it doesn't look good and it's frustrating. You have to plow the hard ground and make it soft for the seeds to go in. You have to go through a process of waiting...counting on the rain and sun to nourish the seeds so they will open under ground . Then the anticipation when you see something come out of the ground but you know there's still more waiting to do until your flower or crop is full grown. Then one day you look, and there  it is. Fruit. What it was all for. And you look back and you see that there had to be a process.

Ugly is going to happen. But ugly isn't the point. The point is learning and growing. I'm not gonna sit here and say I don't hold onto the ugly, because I have and I do. So many times I catch my self saying "if only I could go back to high school as who I am now! It would be so different." But here's what I think I am missing. Then is gone and I can never get it back. Now is what matters. Have I grown and learned a ton? Yes! So why not let go of then and embrace now? Continuing to learn and grow. Allowing the plowing in whatever way. Allowing the rain and sunlight to nourish the seeds in my garden. Never allowing the process to stop.

I think that's what counts. And I think a lot of us hold onto then. When now is what counts.

Everyone is different. And that's a beauty. There isn't anyone that is "better" than another person, and there isn't anyone that is less. For any reason. We are who we are. And a person who judges doesn't define us. Their judgement defines them. WE define us. If we can overcome fear and anxiety and our immaturity before time picked us up, we can all celebrate where time has brought us. We can embrace and enjoy each other without a room full of people with walls up. Or a room full of people trying to prove something. We have nothing to prove. Who we are with no walls....who we are without trying ...is beautiful.

I am excited. I think this can be a real beautiful time. A room full of people that went to school together the whole first part of their lives. A room full of people that are all different and all special. A room full of people bringing something. We all have something to bring even if we think we have nothing. Just bringing ourselves is bringing something. A room full of people that went through time. Went through a level of maturity. It doesn't matter how you look or where you are in life right now. We hurt ourselves by comparing.

I just want every one to know that it's ok to come as you are. There's so many people I am looking forward to seeing and talking to. And it took time to get me here. To break through insecurities and walls. The acceptance thing and the voids.

Other people don't define us. And there is no image or standard we have to fit into.
Different is beautiful!
Come!
Come as you are!

This is what my heart looks like.
MLB

Keeping warm.

Miscellaneous thoughts:

I'm at my parent's house. Freezing. The house is always so cold, when it's cold outside. Sometimes I wonder if the heater is broke. But then come back to the realization that my Dad is just conserving energy. Which I totally understand. However today, a thought came across my mind. We have the heat...why not use it to keep us warm? And I started to think about those that lived during a time where they had to depend on actual fire. There was no such thing as heating and cooling. OR insulation. I wondered how cold they must have been at times. Because with the thermostat on 69 degrees, my fingers, toes and nose are icy. I remembered how they lived (well, how I heard or read that they lived). They had to use animal fur as a way to keep warm. Mostly as coats.

Where this is going:
I used to be anti "fur coats." Standing up for the animal. How mean it was. You know. But as I am thinking this, and thinking about the situation of the pioneers...they really had no choice. They had a need and there was something there to supply their need. It was about survival. Which I'm not always about "survival" when it comes to some cases. But we would then be getting into a different facet of selfishness and how we treat people. Anyway, so, I understand. Yes, it is unfortunate for the animal. But it's really either, the animal being used for us(sacrificing the animals life) or the person freezing to death(sacrificing the person's life). Many may not agree with this. And that's ok. I'm not looking for a debate. Just publicizing a mind change. What if it was God's intention. He said we would rule and have dominion over the animals and the beasts. Please don't take this the wrong way: I am not saying killing animals is right. That I should go out and find something and skin it to keep me warm. Now days we have access to go to stores. There is clothes and material available to us, for the purpose of keeping us warm. But back then, that wasn't the case. I don't condone "fur coats" for fashion purposes at all. To that extent, I feel like it is arrogant. But for the sake of a need, I can side with the purpose of animal fur to keep a person warm. If it's life or death and nothing else is available. If we still lived how the pioneers lived....no heating and cooling system, no store to buy sweaters and coats, sometimes, no access to materials (cotton and such) to actually make thick, warm clothing to keep us warm. One would probably think that one of the purposes for the animals (from God) was for our needs. Nourishment. And clothing. If I'm not mistaken, John the Baptist wore Camel's hair. As I'm sure many others from the bible wore things like that.

It's a big deal to me, because I was so on the other side of this. Like there was some kind of block in my mind not allowing me to see it from this point of view. I can't imagine having to live how they lived. Obviously....now that we have "advanced" so much. But they did it. And I admire them. And a part of me wishes I could have experienced that way of living. That everyone could. So we could appreciate what we have and know what it means to have to work hard and work for a living. In everything that we do. (Farm, cook, clean, teach, make clothes...) There's pretty much something for everything now. Something to do something for us. That's getting off the subject though.

Enjoy a little something to think about.
MLB

Food for thought. Main dish with a few sides!

I wanted to share something with ya'll today. For a couple reasons.You will find the reasons as you read.

I am going to so called "complain" about a few things first. But it's 1.) the truth and 2.) to help paint this picture. Without the complaints, the whole thought wouldn't be complete.

Part 1:
I am pretty sick right now. Run down, no voice and a hurting throat. No exaggeration on any of those either. I had to go to work today and I had to stay. Meaning I had to strain my vocal cords all day and try to manage a class of three year olds with a whisper (barely). Which obviously drained me even more. But ya know, sometimes you just gotta do it. Stick it out and press through...Amen? Side note: the kids were hilarious. At first they were trying to figure out what was going on. And then when they figured it out, they all started whispering too. And then all of a sudden, they were all sick too. So they said, lol!!

On top of that, I LOST MY WALLET! Yikes!! I have to drive down to the Duncanville Dollar store tonight (40 minutes away) to see if I left it there. I can't call because they won't be able to understand a word I say.

So, with that being said....

These are tiny matters, yes.
It could be worse, yes!
And.....GOD IS STILL GOOD, YES!!!

This is my point. All these things, totally STINK. But God is still good. He doesn't change. My situations change. But He doesn't. He is constant. He is stable. And of course perfect and righteous and so, so mighty.

Those things are only temporary light afflictions. They won't last. It's just something that has to be endured until it all passes.

I realize too, that if I can't handle the small stuff, how can I handle the big stuff when it comes? All these things are raging waves crashing up against us, trying to knock us down. Trying to get us to forfeit our Faith.

Part 2:
Ya'll know I have a little, old blue izuzu pick up truck. To be honest, sometimes I wish I had a nice car. Or just A car. I look around at people driving nice vehicles and then there's me and my little truck.

Then I think of two things. Well three actually. 1.) Does it really matter?? In the grand scheme of things, does it REALLY matter? 2.) God GAVE me that truck. It was a gift from HIM! How much value does it add to that old, little thing?! It makes it priceless. And 3.) I have children's ministry in the back of that truck. In order to actually teach the kids, I have to take them out of the sanctuary. And we have no where else to go. It's either, stay in the sanctuary and try and keep them quiet and occupied or go outside and have a good time. So they sit in the back of my truck while I teach them. And we talk about our God/Father. I stepped back last night and just watched them. In the truck. And I was like...You gave this to me!! You gave me the truck, You gave me the kids and You gave me the ministry. It was beautiful. Who knows, He could've gave me the truck just for me and the kids. What comes out of the back of that truck on Sunday Nights is way better than ANY car I could ever have. I know I will get a car one day. But for now, I need to appreciate the truck. It's SO, SO good. In so many ways. A little old blue izuzu pick up truck.

I know it's hard to see sometimes, but He is all around. We just have to find Him. He wants to be found! He wants to be encountered. He wants us to remember Him. He wants us to know His goodness in our heart because we beheld it. Whether ourselves or in someone else's life. I see His Love and Mercy so much in other people's lives. More and better than any affection I know of. And that awakens me a lot of times. It helps with forgiveness and unrighteous judgement made out of flesh.

God is on a mission. He is as focused as focused gets. And He will accomplish His mission. We can either choose to be a part of this force or reject it. But the Life that comes with jumping on and being a part of this mission is far better than life a part from it. Where He isn't, we aren't safe. Our eyesight is bad. It's dark and confusing. We don't have to stay there though. He opens the door before closes it. He didn't choose to never open it. He invited us in. To be One with all He is. It takes letting go. It takes sacrifice. It takes endurance. It doesn't feel good to let go of what we want to believe. Or our wants. Little kids....they want their way. ALL the time. Even though they are so immature and have no idea about life yet, they will plead with you like they do. But we as guardians are more mature and we know better. They can want something with all their might, that we know would be bad for them, so we have to say no. Is it because we are big and bad and mean? NO! It's because we care and we see things that they don't yet. It kills them when they can't have what they want. But we can lead them and guide them the best we can to what we know they need. And we try to keep them safe. Away from harm. As they grow up and start making their own decisions, there are some things we can't make them do anymore. So when the consequence comes, is it our fault? Are we to be blamed for the effect of a bad decision? No. But we can help them learn from it. And not stop loving them, while they are growing up and learning. This is something I am really trying to work on myself. So this isn't AT you. It's WITH you.

Let us not accuse Him for the bad. Pointing our finger at Him. He is Holy and Righteous. He is our Judge. And His measuring rod is far more perfect than ours. Let's hop on and follow Him. So we can learn His ways. When the training wheels come off, we are going to fall off of our bike. But we've gotta get up and get back on. We can't give up. Because we CAN do it.

This was a little on and off track, so I hope you were able to stay with me.

Peace and strength to you by the Holy Spirit!

God is still good!
We CAN do it!

In the making...
MLB

My brother, Samuel.

This won't take long. It's just a brief dedication to my one and only brother, Samuel. I'm just sitting here thinking about him because tomorrow is his birthday. And I really can't even believe he is going to be 21. There's something in me that wants to go back and relive our childhood again. I want to love him again and hold him and kiss him and watch him grow. I want to embrace the beauty of our relationship. I was 7 when he was born. I've adored him his whole life. I still don't think he knows how much. He was my little buddy. I would go into his room at night when he was little, for years, just to check to see if he was breathing and to kiss him. Sometimes I just sat and watched him sleep. Not wanting to miss even that because I adored him so much. He told me that as we got older, he would stay up at night waiting for me to come home, to know I was safe in the house. It was something that happened the moment he was born. Like this love between us. I'm sad that those years are gone. But my love for him never dies. All three of us are in this season right now where we are apart. Not apart in heart, but apart in distance. And it's extremely hard on us. I can feel this triangular pull. It's what's in the middle of us that ties us together. It's like a magnet. I feel them. I miss them. I still want to hold them. They are so much a part of me. So much. I can't really even express or put into words how much I adore and cherish them. Time has aged us. Within that time, our triangle was formed. To keep us connected in our physical distance. Parts of a whole. Tomorrow is a big deal to me. It's one of my favorite days of the year. I cherish my brother's life. I always have. I always will.

Sam, you're a treasure to me. No precious jewel or material item can even compare to your value in my heart. Your precious. You've been a continuous gift. You and Janine were my first students and first loves.

I love October 13, 1990.
-MLB

Be encouraged!

I just wanted to share with this with you guys.

*The first couple paragraphs might be hard to understand. Just bare with it...

Rosh HaShanah (ראש השנה) is the Jewish New Year. It falls once a year during the month of Tishrei and occurs ten days before Yom Kippur. Together, Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur are known as the Yamim Nora’im, which means the Days of Awe in Hebrew. In English they are often referred to as the High Holy Days.

Rosh HaShanah literally means “Head of the Year” in Hebrew. It falls in the month of Tishrei, which is the seventh month on the Hebrew calendar. The reason for this is because the Hebrew calendar begins with the month of Nissan (when it's believed the Jews were freed from slavery in Egypt) but the month of Tishrei is believed to be the month in which God created the world. Hence, another way to think about Rosh HaShanah is as the birthday of the world.

Rosh HaShanah is observed on the first two days of Tishrei. Jewish tradition teaches that during the High Holy Days God decides who will live and who will die during the coming year. As a result, during Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur (and in the days leading up to them) Jews embark upon the serious task of examining their lives and repenting for any wrongs they have committed during the previous year. This process of repentance is called teshuvah. Jews are encouraged to make amends with anyone they have wronged and to make plans for improving during the coming year. In this way, Rosh HaShanah is all about making peace in the community and striving to be a better person.

Even though the theme of Rosh HaShanah is life and death, it is a holiday filled with hope for the New Year. Jews believe that God is compassionate and just, and that God will accept their prayers for forgiveness. END.


Please, please be encouraged by this! When I read it, I can feel it in my gut! It's such a beautiful time!
I believe that there is a major transitioning happening. And I know there is an open door! To peace and joy and unity! An end to things that have oppressed and divided. I believe that as we take part in this, MANY, MANY principalities and strongholds are going to fall out of high places.

They say "jews", but this is for every one! When ever the Lord talked about these FEASTS, He called them HIS FEASTS. Not "jewish" feasts. He is OUR God!  If we all focus on our relationship with the Lord and in that place work on ourselves and take our eyes off of each other, we all experience transformation and the Body of Christ is able to unite in such a great way. The enemy has been tormenting and attacking the Body. He goes strong to certain places that are weak and brings division. Because united, we are SO powerful against Him. He works hard to keep the Body from standing up and uniting with each other as God's army. Because He can't stop them. I believe that this new transition is going to change that. As we turn and "repent", we are stepping into a new place with our God. We will be stronger in Him. Healed. Delivered. Refreshed. Free from bondages. I believe that there will be a great restoration. Double of what the enemy has robbed us all of.

I know for some that may read this, this may seem foreign or totally outlandish. But you can't deny that there is two forces out there. Satan and his angels and Jehovah and His. You see where Satan has damaged this world and the Body of Christ. But God is raising up people to change all that. To bring Heaven to Earth in a MUCH greater way.

Be encouraged. Things have seemed so dark for some. But this year is going to be NEW! Even for those that don't catch this. I feel like things are still gonna start going up hill. Because the atmosphere around is going to start to change. Atmospheres of unity change things. Atmosphere of praise and thanksgiving.

I personally am more than ready for this. Just thinking about it has forgiveness pouring through my heart! I don't care about anything but going forward into this. WITH all of you! : ) 

I truly believe!

A laid down lover in the making,
MLB

A look inside...

Foreward:
I'm taking a risk by making this journal entry public. But I know when I read about people in a raw and vulnerable state, it helps me. Because I feel and remember that I'm not alone. I totally appreciate nakedness, but I also feel like you have to be cautious and wise about it. I choose to share this particular entry because if I read this about someone, it would give me hope. So, I hope that you won't see a depressed woman, but someone that is trying to find her place in this world while walking with her heavenly Father. Walking through struggles that feel like your walking through an active platoon. Walking through mud at times. Thick mud. But I know it's not the end. It's just on the way. And great lessons can be learned from the worst most despairing times in our lives. I cling to that as much as I can. Sometimes I feel like the enemy has this vendetta against me. This plan to destroy me. He attacks from every angle. Hating me. And...it could be true. But then, I have to remember that my Father is greater than Him. And He lets certain things go. He lifts the hedge even in His Love for me, because it is His Love for me. And His Love for everyone else too. Because if He can press me and form me and humiliate me and teach me unconditional, selfless Love through trials, then lifting that hedge is a must! I fight it sometimes because it hurts. I'm trying to learn how to wave my white flag. Not making friends with the enemy, but learning to use him to my advantage. I'm learning how to trust Him. But that hurts too. Because we so desperately want to control our own lives. And we can, but it's much easier to just go with the older ox, then pull against Him. There's rest in that. I can't wait to be able to fully do that. Just jumping off the extremely high cliff. Free falling. Not scared at all. Embracing the wind hitting my body as I descend. And then there He is. Just in time to catch me. And then we fly up into the sky together. It's such a beautiful thought. It's those thoughts that I wish consumed my mind more. Part of the surrender. Letting go of my thoughts...breaking a dam and letting His water rush into my head. I believe it's coming and I'm on my way. So remember that as you continue to read....

9/10/11
Good thoughts? Maybe not so. What feels like real thoughts and feelings-more than likely.

I liked feeling blah the other day. It felt a lot like peace and a lot like letting go. Today I feel waves crashing in me. Not constant. They come like a tropical storm, then they die down and then repeat. Today I feel rather cloudy. I'm walking around in all this beauty-under blue skies and luke warm breezes that feel cool compared to the sun's heat. Trees and flowers and grass of all sorts. Away from "civilization". From everything chaotic. Only to find that I can't run from it when it's in me. Thoughts clenching my mind. Tight. I want blue skies and luke warm breezes inside me. Instead it's chaos. Worry, fear and anxiety. Things I try to ignore. But they are such nags!! And if I even glance at them-I open a door. They're invited without being invited. I hate them and what they do to me. I hate how they make me dysfunctional. Keeping me from true goodness. They hate me. And want to destroy me from the inside out. Like a cancer. But, it's in my mind. Eating at it. All the goodness. My breath feels short. It even takes that away. It wears me out and it wears me down. It's so horrible! How something can hate and not Love. Desire death upon a soul and not Life. I believe I'm more than this. That freedom exists. That everything that seems so big to me is probably so, so little to You. There's giants in the land. I want to fight them courageously without mistakenly doing this exhausting work to please You. You say only Faith pleases you. Living out of that. And I totally see why. I'm probably bound by the law. In a way, I feel it. Verses living in Faith. I feel like I have to do the law to get where I'm supposed to be going. I'm not really letting You transform me. I don't know how. I try to position myself so that I can let You in-but I feel like I always fail. And that is part of the chaos. Trying to figure this out. And then even that gets in the way-I feel like. I miss You! When I wasn't trying to work so hard. You were just there. We just were. We were moving. Things were happening without me trying. Now I feel like every thing is in our way. Everywhere I turn, it's something. If it's not one thing, it's another. How can this be? What can separate a daughter and her Father? The Love between them-His Love for her. If I only knew the capacity of your Love for me. Like I know it and feel it from certain people. That tangible. I want to inhale and acknowledge the intensity of It. Your desire and benevolence for me. In more than knowledge. Experiencing it apart from my natural five sense. Being more open to it. Not closed from this heaping pile that sometimes sits upon me. Like a garbage dump. Not the God in the Old Testament that feels so far away. Like there's so much distance between us. But a Father that Loves me crazy. Not a God that demands I hurry and walk straight or I'll be utterly destroyed. It gives me anxiety.
End.

Afterward:
I know that's a lot. But it's my heart undressed. It is what it is. Part of this whole experience of the Spiritual Realm. Trying to tap into that. And live there. In my mind. And not allowing the natural to rule over me. Remember when I said "everywhere I turn?" There's an answer to that even though it wasn't a question. If I can begin to let go of whats around me...being consumed by it....situations and certain things in me and what not....and just look up.....that's my way out. But it's all about trust here. I'm sure you can see. COMPLETELY putting my life in His hands and not my own. Trusting every thing He has ever said to me. Then everything else will quiet down. And the next time I look around, He will have taken care of everything. Because I let go and trusted and took my own hands off.

I'm learning.
From the best Teacher in existence.
Hope floats...
MLB